I just want to be happy.

What is it about my future that sends everyone into spins?

Dad has to pull my sister aside to engage in serious "future plans" talk with sis.
Cousins tell my dad about how hard it will be should I venture down that path.
Friends ask about my big plans and whether I would be doing the unthinkable or not.

All these whisperings behind my back has caused me sleepless nights.

All these fears have caused shouting matches with family.

All these worries have made me lose some friends.

And at the end of the day, I guess nobody sat down to ask me,

"ARE YOU HAPPY?"

Because truly I am. If only anyone cared enough to take time to know.

Yes, I worry about the future. I think about the what ifs. I fear for the unknown. And I have hesitations, worries and doubts. Sometimes I push them aside. Sometimes I sit down and think about it. But most times, I have discussed it with people who matter most to me and who are willing to open up their ears and their hearts to listen. If only.

I am blessed that at least my siblings have my back.

I truly do not know what I will do in the future.

I am arming myself with knowledge. I am arming myself with experience at work. Because at the end of the day, I do not want to be here any longer than I have to. I do not want to live here to be judged and ridiculed.

If my parents cannot support me or my decisions, I do not know how others can or will.

So I have stopped asking for it.

If you're with me, thanks.
If you're not, I understand. You can tell your worries to others. You can unload your fears to someone else. I understand.

Now if only you could also understand in turn what I ultimately want right now.

I just want to be happy.