Can you tell me what I want to hear?

I'm not sure about others, but being the Virgo that I am, there are days that I wake up and feel as if I ate a truckload of crap the day before and it finally processed and made its way up to the surface. There are days I wake up and think " I CAN CONQUER THE WORLD" or "Nah, it's just a traffic jam. Crank up the music!" and then there are days where I wished the lady who just rudely cut into my lane at the freeway will never ever have children, or will have children born without their buttocks (us Chinese say this for some reason).

The thing is that I have been at this job for seven years. There are days I wake up and feel that I no longer want to do this. That perhaps there is something out there for me to see, to discover and to experience. And then there are days I think maybe I am where I am suppose to be.

Ever been ticked off by your boss over a small mistake and instantly feel that you're incompetent? I have and I do.
I'm not sure its because I have the highest respect for my boss or that I feel I will never live up to his expectations of me. Or that secretly I know that I am not doing as well as I should. Or that I am not trying to be as good as I think I can be.

Us lawyers have spent 2 years doing our A-Levels, 3 years getting a degree, one year for our Bar exams and another 9 months for our pupillage (almost 7 years). And while others came out swinging, I took baby steps into the realm of law. While others took huge strides in their careers, I feel like I'm just beginning to find my balance to learn how to walk. Sometimes I wonder if this whole law thing is for me. Maybe I am built for other pursuits, but I have yet to find the courage to drop everything and try to pursue it.

Perhaps one day I will wake up and know my exact purpose in life. Perhaps one day I will wake up and not feel that I have not done enough. Perhaps one day I will wake up and learn that I have done the best I could, I have tried the most I can and this is exactly where I am suppose to be.

Perhaps. 

The Promise

 Because not all love songs are run of the mill.

This is the promise we have both made and we both intend to keep.

How did we get here?

It's 6.30pm. I've been on the LRT for almost an hour. The crowds surged forward as the train slowed and the doors opened. I slowly made my way to my usual spot in front of Topshop in KLCC. As I sat there twiddling my thumbs waiting for D to arrive, two guys walk up to me.

"Hello." He said nervously.

"Hi?" I mumbled suspiciously narrowing my eyes.

"I see you in college all the time. Urm, do you think I can have your number?My name is A."

"I've never seen you in college," I said tersely. After all, I hardly spent any time in college.

" You go to K college right? I always see you walking down the road," he said as he smiled nervously.
"You think I can have your number?" he asked again.

"How about this. You give me YOUR number, and I'll call you, ok?" I said, proud of my ingenuity in shooing away a stranger, who was admittedly quite cute in his tshirt and black slacks.

"Okay, it's 013-4303330. Call me okay?"

I nodded. Sure, will do that.

I never called of course. Only because I got one digit short and the call could not go through. Weirdly, I actually tried calling. What does that mean? I have someone in my life now. Someone for the past 2 years and here I am giving, or tried to anyway, another guy my number?

A few weeks later, I meet him in college. I waved a hello as he hurriedly walk towards me. We made our way to the cafeteria. I found out his elder brother was in the same college I did my A-levels in. "Surely it's not H who is your brother?"

"Yes it is!"

And his two cousins were also in that college. "You mean Lz and Ln?"

"Yes!"

"I guess I've met your family AND your extended family already," I joked.

Days turned into weeks which turned in months and eventually became almost a year. We were friends, he wanted more, and so maybe did I, but I did not have the courage to walk away from my relationship of 3 years. And he's different. He's culturally and religiously different. How could I ever commit to that? It's too hard.

I walked away from him, sending him a "Please understand why we cannot be friends anymore" letter.

Five years passed by. In between I will receive a random missed call from a mobile number and I know it's him. Sometimes I receive a sms from an unknown number saying "I miss you" and I know it's him. But I've never replied.

5 years passed and he found someone else. 5 years passed and I was still with the man I chose to be with 5 years ago.

One day I realise, it's been 7 years and I am not happy. I walked away from the man I had spent the last 7 years of my adult life with. It was heart wrenching and emotional but I walked away from a life of comfortable living. Of mediocrity.

I deserved to be overwhelmingly happy. Everyone does.

The phone buzz while I was taking a breather from the smoke in the club and J yelled "where ARE you? I just met A! He's here!"

A? I've not seen him for 5 years. I made my way up the stairs and he stood, looking slightly scruffy, but still cute, grinning at me.

No hello, no how do you do's. "I'm sure you are married now?!" he said.

I shook my head and smiled. No I am not married. In fact I just broke up. He stared at me. "Your number is still the same?"
"Yes, your random messages still reach me."

"Do you miss me?" he yelled over the dint of the music in the club.
I smiled.

2 years passed. He got down on one knee and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We are soul mates. "I knew it from the moment we met that we are meant to be with each other for the rest of our lives."

                                                          The rest they say, is history.