It's roughly ten days before 2011 ends.
It's weird how I wake up each morning and think, "Wow. So many things have changed, and yet so many things have remained the same."
It's hard to tell myself to embrace the change. It's tough to like every change. But some changes may seem painful at first, but well worth it at the end.
The only resolution I have for next year?
To love unconditionally. But, only for those who know how to love me back.
For what is the use of living life, spending precious hours and minutes on those who are not worth it?
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Wicked Game.
Yesterday, while on a ride back home from work, hubby launched into a narrative of an episode of "The Waking Dead." No amount of eye rolling, gagging noises and barfing action could stop him from insisting I hear his story. And even though I reiterated to him that I do not follow the series and him telling me bits and pieces of some episodes serves no purpose at all, well suffice to say it did not stop him. From what I remember about what he rambled on, it was about unrequited love.
Man 1 goes into coma, man's wife finds another man because she thought Man 1 had died.
Man 1 then wakes up from coma and wife leaves Man 2 to be with Man 1, while at the same time telling Man 2 to forget her.
Man 2 cannot forget her and spends most of the episode(s) telling her how much he loves her.
At the end of the story, hubby exclaims "Man 2 is so annoying. He's always telling her "oh, I love you." "I am always the one who has to lose out" and he does it with such a sad face."
At this juncture of the story, I reminded hubby that we have all been "victims" of unrequited love. We have loved someone who did not loved us back. And we would have had someone love us without us loving them back. Some of us would have had either the former or the latter. So truly, is it annoying to pin for someone whom every molecule of your body, yearns for?
I have pined for lost/unrequited love. One lasted 3 years. THREE years of hoping to be loved back. 3 years of hoping he would return my love, my affection and attention. All I got was a big heap of nothing. I'm sure many of us have sat at the phone, wondering whether to pick up the phone, dial the number and hope to hear the person's voice. In those days, we did not have the luxury of sending a text message. No "hey you., what's up? You doing good?" text. We actually had to CALL the person and speak. We would have had to rehearse the "opening speech". And then there must be an interesting story to share to justify the out of the blue phone call. And in between all that we hope that person would tell us of their day, their whereabouts and hopefully no story of a girlfriend. Tough times.
But that is the thing about love isn't it? It either is or it isn't. We can't force love. And I believe that you know whether you love the person from the first day you meet someone. If it's a no fly zone, then it will forever remain out of bounds. But if you feel just the tingling feeling in your toes, the butterflies in your stomach, the excited beating of your heart when you first meet someone, you know there is a possibility you can love that person.
When I was 19 years of age, a good friend drove me to dinner. On the way back, he stopped the car at the side of the road, brought out a birthday cake and sang to me. At the end of the song, he leaned over and told me he had loved me since he first met me. I didn't feel the same., No amount of letters, love songs and phone calls could change that. I was a fool at that time to think if I ignored him long enough, he would go away. I was selfish, I was ignorant and I was foolish. Now I know I must have caused him quite a lot of heartache. Why would I do to him what someone else had done to me?
But, as said above, that is the thing about love isn't it? Some of us are not meant for each other. Some of us will never love another who yearns for us. Some of us will not find the missing piece to the puzzle in another. If you're lucky, one day you'll find someone who will fit right into your hopes, your ideals and your life. And if you're really lucky, you'll both feel the same.
Man 1 goes into coma, man's wife finds another man because she thought Man 1 had died.
Man 1 then wakes up from coma and wife leaves Man 2 to be with Man 1, while at the same time telling Man 2 to forget her.
Man 2 cannot forget her and spends most of the episode(s) telling her how much he loves her.
At the end of the story, hubby exclaims "Man 2 is so annoying. He's always telling her "oh, I love you." "I am always the one who has to lose out" and he does it with such a sad face."
At this juncture of the story, I reminded hubby that we have all been "victims" of unrequited love. We have loved someone who did not loved us back. And we would have had someone love us without us loving them back. Some of us would have had either the former or the latter. So truly, is it annoying to pin for someone whom every molecule of your body, yearns for?
I have pined for lost/unrequited love. One lasted 3 years. THREE years of hoping to be loved back. 3 years of hoping he would return my love, my affection and attention. All I got was a big heap of nothing. I'm sure many of us have sat at the phone, wondering whether to pick up the phone, dial the number and hope to hear the person's voice. In those days, we did not have the luxury of sending a text message. No "hey you., what's up? You doing good?" text. We actually had to CALL the person and speak. We would have had to rehearse the "opening speech". And then there must be an interesting story to share to justify the out of the blue phone call. And in between all that we hope that person would tell us of their day, their whereabouts and hopefully no story of a girlfriend. Tough times.
But that is the thing about love isn't it? It either is or it isn't. We can't force love. And I believe that you know whether you love the person from the first day you meet someone. If it's a no fly zone, then it will forever remain out of bounds. But if you feel just the tingling feeling in your toes, the butterflies in your stomach, the excited beating of your heart when you first meet someone, you know there is a possibility you can love that person.
When I was 19 years of age, a good friend drove me to dinner. On the way back, he stopped the car at the side of the road, brought out a birthday cake and sang to me. At the end of the song, he leaned over and told me he had loved me since he first met me. I didn't feel the same., No amount of letters, love songs and phone calls could change that. I was a fool at that time to think if I ignored him long enough, he would go away. I was selfish, I was ignorant and I was foolish. Now I know I must have caused him quite a lot of heartache. Why would I do to him what someone else had done to me?
But, as said above, that is the thing about love isn't it? Some of us are not meant for each other. Some of us will never love another who yearns for us. Some of us will not find the missing piece to the puzzle in another. If you're lucky, one day you'll find someone who will fit right into your hopes, your ideals and your life. And if you're really lucky, you'll both feel the same.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
I love you. Now what?
A few weeks ago, a friend told me a story. It went like this.
Bride and groom have made their rounds at the wedding dinner. The groom obviously had a little too much too drink. The emcee then invites the newlyweds to the stage for their thank you speech. Newlyweds make their way to the podium.
Groom then picks up the mic and says " MICHELLE, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?" "YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I LOVE, MICHELLE." "I LOVE YOU MICHELLE."
I'm not sure if you've guessed by now that the bride's name is obviously NOT Michelle. Michelle being the groom's ex girlfriend who happened to be seated somewhere in the ballroom that night, cringing in shame and embarrassment. Well, I'm not sure how the marriage fared after that enlightening speech by the groom that night but I am pretty sure they didn't ride together happily into the sunset.
Yes, it is a true story. No fictional characters. All real, breathing, living human beings.
So, the question is why do some of us marry for all the wrong reasons? So many of us think we should marry because "I'm getting old" or "We've been together for so long, why not?" or "she'll be a good wife/husband.".
Are those the reasons why we should spend the rest of our lives with someone? I'm not professing to know the ingredients to a happy marriage but I can bet my last sen that those reasons up there won't give you happily ever after.
Is it too cliche to think, the reason one should marry is for LOVE? The butterflies in your stomach, heart racing, eager, passionate, time consuming, birds chirping, perfect sky, kisses and hugs, type of love?
It's not cliche. One should ALWAYS marry for love. If it weren't for the fact that I loved my then boyfriend (who is obviously my husband now) I would not have defied my parents, lost some friends, accepted ridicule and made a life changing commitment to marry him. But the truth is that, while we should marry for love, love by itself, is not enough.
Love does not pay your bills, love does not feed your children (if you choose to have them) and love certainly does not mask emotional baggage or close the gap of intellect.
I swear each time I meet this friend of mine, I think why is he with her? She's flighty, she's not the most intelligent , she's got a terrible temper, and oftimes she uses words without even knowing what it means. And in a split second I also think why is she with him? He's lazy, he does not work, he likes to have intellectual discourse with his friends- politics, economy- something which she has no knowledge about and he makes her pay whenever they go out to eat. You'd think these differences are glaringly obvious. They are, according to them, very much in love. And hope to married.
Except that it has been two years since they have talked about marriage, but he has not proposed and she is still waiting for him to do so. And she complains about him all the time, she hates his mother, she hates his sister and her mother hates that he is much too complacent to get a job instead of riding on her coat tails. His mother on the other hand thinks she wants to marry him because he has family money. Match made in heaven? These problems are BOUND to crop up even more once these people take the plunge of marriage. Yet, every day, they tell themselves, we are in love. Love will conquer all.
Bollocks.
If all of us took out heads out from the clouds, and wiped the glaze from our eyes, remove our rose tinted glasses, maybe we can see that life is not like a movie. In real life, we do not fall deeply and madly in love with somebody and then live happily ever after. In reality, we fall deeply and madly in love with somebody, we discover we are very different in character and upbringing, we work on those differences, we find a solution, we learn patience, we learn tolerance, we learn to love the person for who he is and for who he wants to be, and then maybe we can have a shot at happily ever after.
I may sound like a party pooper. But at least I still think you should always have the moment when you meet that one person and you fall madly and deeply in love.
That I believe everyone is entitled to have.
As for the rest, let's not get too carried away with fairy tales.
Bride and groom have made their rounds at the wedding dinner. The groom obviously had a little too much too drink. The emcee then invites the newlyweds to the stage for their thank you speech. Newlyweds make their way to the podium.
Groom then picks up the mic and says " MICHELLE, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?" "YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I LOVE, MICHELLE." "I LOVE YOU MICHELLE."
I'm not sure if you've guessed by now that the bride's name is obviously NOT Michelle. Michelle being the groom's ex girlfriend who happened to be seated somewhere in the ballroom that night, cringing in shame and embarrassment. Well, I'm not sure how the marriage fared after that enlightening speech by the groom that night but I am pretty sure they didn't ride together happily into the sunset.
Yes, it is a true story. No fictional characters. All real, breathing, living human beings.
So, the question is why do some of us marry for all the wrong reasons? So many of us think we should marry because "I'm getting old" or "We've been together for so long, why not?" or "she'll be a good wife/husband.".
Are those the reasons why we should spend the rest of our lives with someone? I'm not professing to know the ingredients to a happy marriage but I can bet my last sen that those reasons up there won't give you happily ever after.
Is it too cliche to think, the reason one should marry is for LOVE? The butterflies in your stomach, heart racing, eager, passionate, time consuming, birds chirping, perfect sky, kisses and hugs, type of love?
It's not cliche. One should ALWAYS marry for love. If it weren't for the fact that I loved my then boyfriend (who is obviously my husband now) I would not have defied my parents, lost some friends, accepted ridicule and made a life changing commitment to marry him. But the truth is that, while we should marry for love, love by itself, is not enough.
Love does not pay your bills, love does not feed your children (if you choose to have them) and love certainly does not mask emotional baggage or close the gap of intellect.
I swear each time I meet this friend of mine, I think why is he with her? She's flighty, she's not the most intelligent , she's got a terrible temper, and oftimes she uses words without even knowing what it means. And in a split second I also think why is she with him? He's lazy, he does not work, he likes to have intellectual discourse with his friends- politics, economy- something which she has no knowledge about and he makes her pay whenever they go out to eat. You'd think these differences are glaringly obvious. They are, according to them, very much in love. And hope to married.
Except that it has been two years since they have talked about marriage, but he has not proposed and she is still waiting for him to do so. And she complains about him all the time, she hates his mother, she hates his sister and her mother hates that he is much too complacent to get a job instead of riding on her coat tails. His mother on the other hand thinks she wants to marry him because he has family money. Match made in heaven? These problems are BOUND to crop up even more once these people take the plunge of marriage. Yet, every day, they tell themselves, we are in love. Love will conquer all.
Bollocks.
If all of us took out heads out from the clouds, and wiped the glaze from our eyes, remove our rose tinted glasses, maybe we can see that life is not like a movie. In real life, we do not fall deeply and madly in love with somebody and then live happily ever after. In reality, we fall deeply and madly in love with somebody, we discover we are very different in character and upbringing, we work on those differences, we find a solution, we learn patience, we learn tolerance, we learn to love the person for who he is and for who he wants to be, and then maybe we can have a shot at happily ever after.
I may sound like a party pooper. But at least I still think you should always have the moment when you meet that one person and you fall madly and deeply in love.
That I believe everyone is entitled to have.
As for the rest, let's not get too carried away with fairy tales.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Rules for husbands to live by.
Just about a week ago, in the midst of my family - I was busy cursing and ranting that a man had rudely taken the parking lot which I trailed two ladies for. I then said he had gestured to me that I was going against traffic and that he was therefore entitled to take that parking. In between all the cursing and ranting, the hubby chimes "The last time someone went against traffic and took a parking you didn't like it."
RULE NUMBER 1: Does NOT matter what I did and did not like the last time. While I am ranting about something, you SUPPORT my ranting and insist, just like how I insisted, that I am RIGHT and the other person is WRONG.
RULE NUMBER 2: You can THINK of the above statement, but you do NOT say it out loud while I am ranting about it.
RULE NUMBER 3: I am always right.
As long as you follow the above three rules, you will succeed in your marriage. Trust me. (Read rule number 3)
RULE NUMBER 1: Does NOT matter what I did and did not like the last time. While I am ranting about something, you SUPPORT my ranting and insist, just like how I insisted, that I am RIGHT and the other person is WRONG.
RULE NUMBER 2: You can THINK of the above statement, but you do NOT say it out loud while I am ranting about it.
RULE NUMBER 3: I am always right.
As long as you follow the above three rules, you will succeed in your marriage. Trust me. (Read rule number 3)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
No More Goodbyes and Hello again.
The good thing about being married is that marriage teaches you to fight better.
It sounds odd, but it does.
When I was still checking the single box, every argument will lead to a mini tantrum, door slamming, sulking, raising of voices, exchange of insults and more often than not, ending everything by walking out of the house, never to return again. Well, at least for a few hours, or a day or two.
Marriage has "robbed" me of that. Marriage has robbed me of the "luxury" of turning away from the cause of the yelling and screaming and insult exchange. It has swiftly removed all "walking away" privileges. What it has placed on my married shoulders, is a burden- every married person must bear- the burden of learning to fight better.
We have all been guilty of walking away from arguments- please leave me alone, please do not touch me, please stop talking. We walk away, we cool down and we forget. But this cycle of arguing, walking away and forgetting will repeat itself. For an unresolved issue will remain, an unresolved issue- popping up like an annoying zit with an imbedded whitehead that refuses to budge.
Marriage has made me awaken to the realisation that I will still need space to cool off, I will still ask not to be touched or spoken to when I am in a foul mood, and I will still want to be alone to clear my thoughts, but it has also made me realise I can no longer choose to stay that way. I will have to learn to face the demons that threaten to amplify trivial matters into big volcanic proportions that may tear a relationship apart. I've learnt to cherish my relationship more. I have learned that once we've said our "I DO's" we've promised each other that we will work things out together, regardless of what comes our way- because walking away is no longer an option.
Many of us are ready for a wedding, but how many of us are truly prepared for a marriage?
It sounds odd, but it does.
When I was still checking the single box, every argument will lead to a mini tantrum, door slamming, sulking, raising of voices, exchange of insults and more often than not, ending everything by walking out of the house, never to return again. Well, at least for a few hours, or a day or two.
Marriage has "robbed" me of that. Marriage has robbed me of the "luxury" of turning away from the cause of the yelling and screaming and insult exchange. It has swiftly removed all "walking away" privileges. What it has placed on my married shoulders, is a burden- every married person must bear- the burden of learning to fight better.
We have all been guilty of walking away from arguments- please leave me alone, please do not touch me, please stop talking. We walk away, we cool down and we forget. But this cycle of arguing, walking away and forgetting will repeat itself. For an unresolved issue will remain, an unresolved issue- popping up like an annoying zit with an imbedded whitehead that refuses to budge.
Marriage has made me awaken to the realisation that I will still need space to cool off, I will still ask not to be touched or spoken to when I am in a foul mood, and I will still want to be alone to clear my thoughts, but it has also made me realise I can no longer choose to stay that way. I will have to learn to face the demons that threaten to amplify trivial matters into big volcanic proportions that may tear a relationship apart. I've learnt to cherish my relationship more. I have learned that once we've said our "I DO's" we've promised each other that we will work things out together, regardless of what comes our way- because walking away is no longer an option.
Many of us are ready for a wedding, but how many of us are truly prepared for a marriage?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
WTF?
It's not that I am saying my England is very powderful but seriously...WTF is this???
"not think care about that?"
HUH?
HUH? WTF?
WHA-??
And the government decides to revert to teaching Maths and Science in English. Look at the level of English in our country! Not only is the above English horrendously bad, its nonsensical!!
"not think care about that?"HUH?
HUH? WTF?
WHA-??And the government decides to revert to teaching Maths and Science in English. Look at the level of English in our country! Not only is the above English horrendously bad, its nonsensical!!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hello, we cannot be friends. GO AWAY.
I have a friend, let's call her C.
A typical conversation with C would start like this:-
Me: Hello! How are you?
A: I'm depressed.
Me: Oh, why so?
A: Because my life is not going the way I want, and bla bla bla bla sad bla bla bla bla depressed, bla bla bla bla bla and BLA.
Repeat above conversation every time I meet her.
Now C is a girl who earns above average. C is a girl who recently started a relationship with a great guy. C is a girl whom one can say have all the necessities in life ...and more.
So wtf is she so depressed about, you ask?
I have no idea.
I guess some people live on gaining sympathy from others about how "hard" their lives are. Or how "sad" they are. And how drama is her middle name.
If I tell her "hey, don't be depressed. Did you hear D found out she was ill and passed away recently. Life is short. Don't sit around moping."
Her typical response will be "I know. But did you know *fireworks* *drama* *sob story a hundred times worse* happened to me??"
*___*
I've just about given up on her. It's not that I do not want to be supportive but friends like this do nothing but drain me.
Maybe it's age or maybe, I'm just sick and tired of how some friendships can be so damn hard.
When did friendship become so hard? When did it stop becoming fun and fulfilling? When did friendship become work?
Perhaps, I should just stop being friends with crappy people. That ought to solve my problem.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Dear Ms Smarty Pants
Had a very nasty encounter with a senior lawyer the other day. I have never really liked her and have been warned by my boss from the first day I stepped into the court room to be careful of her. Every time my boss is not in court with me, she will show her true colours and talk down to me. She will dismiss my words and try to talk over my voice. But guess what Ms. Smarty Pants?
I made sure you know what I am made of didn't I?
"Come on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper."
I made sure you know what I am made of didn't I?
"Come on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper."
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Eyes trained to detect cellulite.
Opening scene of Transformers 3.
Imagine Rosie Huntington's long legs and butt on full display on the big screen.
While I was busy drooling at her perfect pins, the hubby says:-
"Do you see the cellulite on her thighs???"
-________-
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Turn the page for the answer to life.
Have you ever woken up and felt overwhelmed by everything?
I have been feeling exactly that for the past few months.
Overwhelmed by questions I am unable to find answers to. Dreams I am unable to pinpoint. Wants and desires I am unable to crystallize into something concrete that is achievable. Problems which solutions elude me.
I sometimes wonder if money motivates everybody. I find myself telling friends not to switch jobs based purely on the pay package but to always, always love what they are doing. For without passion for something, we can only last for so long before we absolutely abhor what we wake up every morning for.
I ask myself everyday if I love what I do. For if I do, why do I sometimes wake up and wonder if I can do better. If I am happy where I am, why is it that sometimes I feel I am not trying harder to do more. But truly, what is that "better" and what is that "more" that I think I lack?
If only life came with an instructional guide.
I have been feeling exactly that for the past few months.
Overwhelmed by questions I am unable to find answers to. Dreams I am unable to pinpoint. Wants and desires I am unable to crystallize into something concrete that is achievable. Problems which solutions elude me.
I sometimes wonder if money motivates everybody. I find myself telling friends not to switch jobs based purely on the pay package but to always, always love what they are doing. For without passion for something, we can only last for so long before we absolutely abhor what we wake up every morning for.
I ask myself everyday if I love what I do. For if I do, why do I sometimes wake up and wonder if I can do better. If I am happy where I am, why is it that sometimes I feel I am not trying harder to do more. But truly, what is that "better" and what is that "more" that I think I lack?
If only life came with an instructional guide.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Why don't you love me anymore???
Everyone's been asking me how married life is.
To truth is, there really isn't any difference. The only big glaring difference would be, we will no longer run the risk of being arrested for some religious offence should we stroll hand in hand in Shah Alam. Other than that, life really is pretty much the same.
Ok, I lied.
Now that we're legally hitched, my parents love my husband more than they love me. I swear.
Those days while we were just dating, I would go home to my hometown and mum will get me a bunch of things for my health (drink this herb drink, good for your health!) my cravings (here's the nice jeruk you wanted) and things I am much too stingy to buy myself (here's the melon I got which is imported from China).
Now, it's "these biscuits are for S, these drinks are for S- he has a store throat right? S flies a lot, sure he doesn't sleep well- give him some of these herbal drinks, these vitamins are good for him, helps keep him alert."
-____-
And when I call her to tell her I'll be back for the weekend, her first question will be "What about your husband? He's coming right?" (cos God forbid I should travel back all by my lonesome self)
And when we plan dinner out, it's "Oh they have < insert hubby's favourite dish > there! We should definitely have dinner there."
Seriously!
ANYWAY, other than the fact that I am not longer my parent's favourite child, married life has been good. I reckon I see the hubby 14 out of 31 days. I guess that's not enough for a lot of people, but I enjoy time on my own.
Time where you can sit down in front of the tv and watch chick flicks,reality tv, pluck stray hairs at places stray hairs grow , yak for hours on the phone with my bff about her dating life and etc.
Ok, I lied. Actually more like I am not really telling the whole truth.
As much as I love having time of my own, the truth is that I miss my husband when he isn't around.
Darn it. Yes, it's fun to be young, carefree and independent. But I much prefer having a man who keeps me warm at the cinema, who makes me coffee when I wake up in the morning, who calls me to check if I am home when I drive by myself, who rubs my forehead and temples when I say I have a headache, who lets me rest my head on his shoulder when I get tired, who is fiercely protective of me when he feels I am being bullied and so much more.
I'm a very lucky girl to have found a soulmate. :)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Goodbye.
Aunty Edith passed away peacefully on Saturday at 8.35am.
She passed away surrounded by her children and her husband. When I peered into her coffin that night, I saw the smile her daughters had told me about. Of course I shed tears for her. And many a times in movies, I always wondered how it was to have flashbacks and at exactly that moment, I experienced flashbacks of those times she sat with me and joked about everything under the sun, I had flashbacks of her cheeky grin and her throw-her-head-back laughter when someone told her a good joke, her "ta" expression when she sees a cute picture of a kitten and her tight embrace when she meets me after a long time. Flashbacks. And then I come back to reality and I see her lying still in the coffin, her last place of rest. And I feel nothing but heartbreak.
Goodbye Aunty Edith. I will miss you.
She passed away surrounded by her children and her husband. When I peered into her coffin that night, I saw the smile her daughters had told me about. Of course I shed tears for her. And many a times in movies, I always wondered how it was to have flashbacks and at exactly that moment, I experienced flashbacks of those times she sat with me and joked about everything under the sun, I had flashbacks of her cheeky grin and her throw-her-head-back laughter when someone told her a good joke, her "ta" expression when she sees a cute picture of a kitten and her tight embrace when she meets me after a long time. Flashbacks. And then I come back to reality and I see her lying still in the coffin, her last place of rest. And I feel nothing but heartbreak.
Goodbye Aunty Edith. I will miss you.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Confessions of a new bride.
So, I am married.
And a week before I made the big plunge that ended my single-dom and privatised my "shares which were listed on the public exchange" so to speak, I got the news that the ex's mum has discovered that 3/4 of her lungs have been ravaged by cancer. The doctor gave her a month to live. I could not stop thinking how her cancer came back the same year the ex and I broke up. And in that 7 years we were together she lived a cancer free life. It drives me crazy that I may not be able to say my goodbye to her. I am of course deeply, deeply saddened by this.
The hubby finds it hard to understand why I would be so affected by someone whom I should have left and filed under "past life". But the fact is that she and I were close. I may no longer speak to her son but I still called to speak to her, I still visited her (secretly so as not to offend her new daughter in law) and I could make her laugh. Now the possibility of never ever hearing her laugh or enjoying her sense of humor bring tears to my eyes. How can God take away someone so full of life, someone who has so much to live for? They say God only takes away the good ones- it's now hit home how true that is.
The imminence of losing her has made me realise the importance of the decisions I have made in my life so far. When I first started dating my husband, there was the whole issue or race and religion which caused me a lot of grief. Many nights I sat and wondered if I should just walk away and never look back. Many days were spent plotting a possible solution which will see me being to escape religious persecutions or restrictions. But everything that I tried to structure always came back to the single question of "what about my parents?"
I speak to my parents every day. Yes, every day. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I speak to them about everything I can possibly think of- my day, their day, work and their new favourite topic, my husband. My parents are not the young sprightly things they were 20 years ago. They have aged, they lose things, they forget things and they move and speak slower. And I worry about them constantly.
I can choose to leave this country and pursue many opportunities out there or I can sit here in envy of the things some people have done with their lives - visiting countries, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people, doing different things. But I choose envy over possible regret. A regret which is possible if anything were to happen to my parents, I will not be able to come back quick enough or respond fast enough. A regret which I saw on a girl's facebook page that she could not kiss her father for the last time before he was buried because she was on a different continent when he breathed his last. A regret she has a tough time getting over. A regret which I know will haunt me forever.
I have made many decisions in my life in the past three years which I have never regretted. Friends have come into my life, overstayed and have promptly left. Some I have missed and some I realised should have left sooner. A month or two before I got hitched a friend or 17 years told me to "get lost" and that I have become so selfish she could no longer take it anymore. I promptly told her " yes, I have changed because I no longer live my life the way you want me to." We may have spent many good times together, but I will not spend a single minute mourning over a friendship that was never appreciated. If one is a true friend, we stick by each other through thick and thin. We do not abandon the other at the first or second or even third sign of trouble. We.stick.by.each.other.
I have made many new friends over the past years. Those who have willingly stayed for hours to help me with my wedding preparations. (You know who you are boys!) And also friends of whom I have known for 10 years and may not speak to on a daily basis, but who have reminded me that if I ever needed anything, they will be there for me.
Life is just too short for regrets. Love, if you can. And if you can't find love or if it eludes you, take your time. There are no timelines to finding someone. And if you decide you would rather be going at it alone, then find happiness in that. Do not let others dictate the life you want to lead, whom you should spend it with and how you should go about it. Keep the company that gives you contentment. Sacrifice for those whom you think are worth it and at the end of it all, be happy.
3 years ago, I chose to be happy. And I have never looked back since.
And a week before I made the big plunge that ended my single-dom and privatised my "shares which were listed on the public exchange" so to speak, I got the news that the ex's mum has discovered that 3/4 of her lungs have been ravaged by cancer. The doctor gave her a month to live. I could not stop thinking how her cancer came back the same year the ex and I broke up. And in that 7 years we were together she lived a cancer free life. It drives me crazy that I may not be able to say my goodbye to her. I am of course deeply, deeply saddened by this.
The hubby finds it hard to understand why I would be so affected by someone whom I should have left and filed under "past life". But the fact is that she and I were close. I may no longer speak to her son but I still called to speak to her, I still visited her (secretly so as not to offend her new daughter in law) and I could make her laugh. Now the possibility of never ever hearing her laugh or enjoying her sense of humor bring tears to my eyes. How can God take away someone so full of life, someone who has so much to live for? They say God only takes away the good ones- it's now hit home how true that is.
The imminence of losing her has made me realise the importance of the decisions I have made in my life so far. When I first started dating my husband, there was the whole issue or race and religion which caused me a lot of grief. Many nights I sat and wondered if I should just walk away and never look back. Many days were spent plotting a possible solution which will see me being to escape religious persecutions or restrictions. But everything that I tried to structure always came back to the single question of "what about my parents?"
I speak to my parents every day. Yes, every day. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I speak to them about everything I can possibly think of- my day, their day, work and their new favourite topic, my husband. My parents are not the young sprightly things they were 20 years ago. They have aged, they lose things, they forget things and they move and speak slower. And I worry about them constantly.
I can choose to leave this country and pursue many opportunities out there or I can sit here in envy of the things some people have done with their lives - visiting countries, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people, doing different things. But I choose envy over possible regret. A regret which is possible if anything were to happen to my parents, I will not be able to come back quick enough or respond fast enough. A regret which I saw on a girl's facebook page that she could not kiss her father for the last time before he was buried because she was on a different continent when he breathed his last. A regret she has a tough time getting over. A regret which I know will haunt me forever.
I have made many decisions in my life in the past three years which I have never regretted. Friends have come into my life, overstayed and have promptly left. Some I have missed and some I realised should have left sooner. A month or two before I got hitched a friend or 17 years told me to "get lost" and that I have become so selfish she could no longer take it anymore. I promptly told her " yes, I have changed because I no longer live my life the way you want me to." We may have spent many good times together, but I will not spend a single minute mourning over a friendship that was never appreciated. If one is a true friend, we stick by each other through thick and thin. We do not abandon the other at the first or second or even third sign of trouble. We.stick.by.each.other.
I have made many new friends over the past years. Those who have willingly stayed for hours to help me with my wedding preparations. (You know who you are boys!) And also friends of whom I have known for 10 years and may not speak to on a daily basis, but who have reminded me that if I ever needed anything, they will be there for me.
Life is just too short for regrets. Love, if you can. And if you can't find love or if it eludes you, take your time. There are no timelines to finding someone. And if you decide you would rather be going at it alone, then find happiness in that. Do not let others dictate the life you want to lead, whom you should spend it with and how you should go about it. Keep the company that gives you contentment. Sacrifice for those whom you think are worth it and at the end of it all, be happy.
3 years ago, I chose to be happy. And I have never looked back since.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Let us make a vow to live with no regrets.
Three days ago, a very good friend's hubby called.
"Hey, just to tell you that N had a stroke and is now in the hospital."
My instant reaction was of course immense grief.
N has been my pillar of strength in my moments of doubt and fear with the recent changes in life. She has held my hand and said "I know you're scared, but it's okay- you know what you're doing is right." She has taken days off to see me make a vow I was doubtful I could keep- for she knew I needed moral support. She spend hours on end listening to me gripe and whine, and she ran in the rain with me to make sure I had everything I needed for the wedding.
And in that few seconds, I thought I had lost everything.
Now I really know what it means to wish I could turn back time.
But there is no turning back time, but only to trudge forward and make the best of it. I held her hand in the hospital and spoke to her. And I go home at night and pray for her recovery. And everyone says " that's all you can do."
The shitty truth is, that really IS all I can do. But I also sit here and wish, I was a better friend to her. I knew she was stressed but I did not find out why. I knew she had recently decided to change jobs, I should have offered to help. I should, could and would, if I knew I may one day never have the chance again.
There is really no point in regrets. And I shall have none because I can try to be a better friend to her today. She will pull through and I will be right there for her whenever and wherever she needs me.
And N, as the ustaz told you the other day.." God loves you" and he will keep you safe.
"Hey, just to tell you that N had a stroke and is now in the hospital."
My instant reaction was of course immense grief.
N has been my pillar of strength in my moments of doubt and fear with the recent changes in life. She has held my hand and said "I know you're scared, but it's okay- you know what you're doing is right." She has taken days off to see me make a vow I was doubtful I could keep- for she knew I needed moral support. She spend hours on end listening to me gripe and whine, and she ran in the rain with me to make sure I had everything I needed for the wedding.
And in that few seconds, I thought I had lost everything.
Now I really know what it means to wish I could turn back time.
But there is no turning back time, but only to trudge forward and make the best of it. I held her hand in the hospital and spoke to her. And I go home at night and pray for her recovery. And everyone says " that's all you can do."
The shitty truth is, that really IS all I can do. But I also sit here and wish, I was a better friend to her. I knew she was stressed but I did not find out why. I knew she had recently decided to change jobs, I should have offered to help. I should, could and would, if I knew I may one day never have the chance again.
There is really no point in regrets. And I shall have none because I can try to be a better friend to her today. She will pull through and I will be right there for her whenever and wherever she needs me.
And N, as the ustaz told you the other day.." God loves you" and he will keep you safe.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I need some courage.
Sometimes I think I have made the right decision.Sometimes I think, maybe not.
How many ways can one disappoint their parents? Or their siblings?
Ultimately in life, if I choose to be happy, how many hearts do I crush with the decision that I make? How many people will think I am being stupid? How much of my future is guaranteed to be bright and right?
Oh Dahlia, did you parents have no objections? If only I had your courage.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Confessions of an almost 30 yr old.
The thing about growing old-er is that we mellow.
That or I have less space in my heart to hold grudges and be angry.
On a side note, planning a wedding is seriously time consuming.
I am officially the worst bride ever. Everybody's nightmare I guess.
Anyway I digress, back to having no grudges.
I have in the past two weeks picked up the phone and texted two people I have sworn never to speak to again. Asked them if they are ok, congratulated them on their promotions and their work and all they've done in their lives. One was surprised I contacted her and said "I thought you were still angers maximus?" the other was relieved I have finally decided to take the first step to speak to her.
What is it about growing old that leaves our hearts more open to accept flaws and shortcomings? I thought 6 months ago that as I grow older, I have less space to tolerate bad behaviour and crap friends. But as these 6 months slowly drifted by, I realised I am more open to accepting that we can never ever again be great friends, but we do not have to be enemies.
I guess growing older does ensure that we gain some wisdom and learn to finally let go. Of promises which will be broken and of people who will drift apart.
Maybe growing older is about learning that, we can only do so much but the most important thing is that we must try.
That or I have less space in my heart to hold grudges and be angry.
On a side note, planning a wedding is seriously time consuming.
I am officially the worst bride ever. Everybody's nightmare I guess.
Anyway I digress, back to having no grudges.
I have in the past two weeks picked up the phone and texted two people I have sworn never to speak to again. Asked them if they are ok, congratulated them on their promotions and their work and all they've done in their lives. One was surprised I contacted her and said "I thought you were still angers maximus?" the other was relieved I have finally decided to take the first step to speak to her.
What is it about growing old that leaves our hearts more open to accept flaws and shortcomings? I thought 6 months ago that as I grow older, I have less space to tolerate bad behaviour and crap friends. But as these 6 months slowly drifted by, I realised I am more open to accepting that we can never ever again be great friends, but we do not have to be enemies.
I guess growing older does ensure that we gain some wisdom and learn to finally let go. Of promises which will be broken and of people who will drift apart.
Maybe growing older is about learning that, we can only do so much but the most important thing is that we must try.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Ed Zachary disease. Your face looks "ed zachary" like your ass.
I hardly ever make new year resolutions. I just don't get why we have to wait til the end of the year to do that. We should be making resolutions every day of the year.
I make daily resolutions. I shall not be your excuse for your bad behaviour. I shall not eat McD's anymore. I will not care about being your friend if you were never mine in the first place. I shall workout tomorrow.
Resolutions. Why wait? My resolution for tomorrow is to get something done to my blah hair. See how easy it is? One step at a time!
On a side note, I walked into a bridal shop two days ago and found the perfect dress amidst a sea of ugliness and bad sales behaviour. Disappointed to know that the dress belonged to someone else, I asked the (rude) sales lady whether she had anything similar to the dress I-would-sell-my-fiancee for and was told "This dress is very expensive as the lace is very expensive."
Yeah so what bitch?
Do you think that I can't afford it? Even if I could NOT afford it, your JOB (if you have forgotten), is to take the damned dress off the rack, undress it from the plastic cover, walk over to me, and pass it to me and use your fingers to zip me up.
In fact, if your dresses weren't SO ugly, I wouldn't even dare DIE in them, I would make you take twenty dresses, try them on and say "oh they all look so ugly" and walk out from your shop. bitch.
If not for my sister being there, I would have made it known to you that you can eat shit and die. (or something along those lines)
I will never tolerate bad behaviour. Especially if you're in sales. Especially so also, if you're in doing sales in a bridal shop. Imagine a happy skipping bride turning up at the bridal shop and being met with thunder face rude "her face looks exactly like her ass" sales woman.
Killjoy.
I hope one day you trip over a long train, hit yourself on the head and start bleeding profusely and I will be standing there watching and when you say "please call the ambulance", I'll say "the nearest hospital is Prince Medical Court. It's very expensive."
I make daily resolutions. I shall not be your excuse for your bad behaviour. I shall not eat McD's anymore. I will not care about being your friend if you were never mine in the first place. I shall workout tomorrow.
Resolutions. Why wait? My resolution for tomorrow is to get something done to my blah hair. See how easy it is? One step at a time!
On a side note, I walked into a bridal shop two days ago and found the perfect dress amidst a sea of ugliness and bad sales behaviour. Disappointed to know that the dress belonged to someone else, I asked the (rude) sales lady whether she had anything similar to the dress I-would-sell-my-fiancee for and was told "This dress is very expensive as the lace is very expensive."
Yeah so what bitch?
Do you think that I can't afford it? Even if I could NOT afford it, your JOB (if you have forgotten), is to take the damned dress off the rack, undress it from the plastic cover, walk over to me, and pass it to me and use your fingers to zip me up.
In fact, if your dresses weren't SO ugly, I wouldn't even dare DIE in them, I would make you take twenty dresses, try them on and say "oh they all look so ugly" and walk out from your shop. bitch.
If not for my sister being there, I would have made it known to you that you can eat shit and die. (or something along those lines)
I will never tolerate bad behaviour. Especially if you're in sales. Especially so also, if you're in doing sales in a bridal shop. Imagine a happy skipping bride turning up at the bridal shop and being met with thunder face rude "her face looks exactly like her ass" sales woman.
Killjoy.
I hope one day you trip over a long train, hit yourself on the head and start bleeding profusely and I will be standing there watching and when you say "please call the ambulance", I'll say "the nearest hospital is Prince Medical Court. It's very expensive."
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