Have you ever woken up and felt overwhelmed by everything?
I have been feeling exactly that for the past few months.
Overwhelmed by questions I am unable to find answers to. Dreams I am unable to pinpoint. Wants and desires I am unable to crystallize into something concrete that is achievable. Problems which solutions elude me.
I sometimes wonder if money motivates everybody. I find myself telling friends not to switch jobs based purely on the pay package but to always, always love what they are doing. For without passion for something, we can only last for so long before we absolutely abhor what we wake up every morning for.
I ask myself everyday if I love what I do. For if I do, why do I sometimes wake up and wonder if I can do better. If I am happy where I am, why is it that sometimes I feel I am not trying harder to do more. But truly, what is that "better" and what is that "more" that I think I lack?
If only life came with an instructional guide.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Why don't you love me anymore???
Everyone's been asking me how married life is.
To truth is, there really isn't any difference. The only big glaring difference would be, we will no longer run the risk of being arrested for some religious offence should we stroll hand in hand in Shah Alam. Other than that, life really is pretty much the same.
Ok, I lied.
Now that we're legally hitched, my parents love my husband more than they love me. I swear.
Those days while we were just dating, I would go home to my hometown and mum will get me a bunch of things for my health (drink this herb drink, good for your health!) my cravings (here's the nice jeruk you wanted) and things I am much too stingy to buy myself (here's the melon I got which is imported from China).
Now, it's "these biscuits are for S, these drinks are for S- he has a store throat right? S flies a lot, sure he doesn't sleep well- give him some of these herbal drinks, these vitamins are good for him, helps keep him alert."
-____-
And when I call her to tell her I'll be back for the weekend, her first question will be "What about your husband? He's coming right?" (cos God forbid I should travel back all by my lonesome self)
And when we plan dinner out, it's "Oh they have < insert hubby's favourite dish > there! We should definitely have dinner there."
Seriously!
ANYWAY, other than the fact that I am not longer my parent's favourite child, married life has been good. I reckon I see the hubby 14 out of 31 days. I guess that's not enough for a lot of people, but I enjoy time on my own.
Time where you can sit down in front of the tv and watch chick flicks,reality tv, pluck stray hairs at places stray hairs grow , yak for hours on the phone with my bff about her dating life and etc.
Ok, I lied. Actually more like I am not really telling the whole truth.
As much as I love having time of my own, the truth is that I miss my husband when he isn't around.
Darn it. Yes, it's fun to be young, carefree and independent. But I much prefer having a man who keeps me warm at the cinema, who makes me coffee when I wake up in the morning, who calls me to check if I am home when I drive by myself, who rubs my forehead and temples when I say I have a headache, who lets me rest my head on his shoulder when I get tired, who is fiercely protective of me when he feels I am being bullied and so much more.
I'm a very lucky girl to have found a soulmate. :)
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Goodbye.
Aunty Edith passed away peacefully on Saturday at 8.35am.
She passed away surrounded by her children and her husband. When I peered into her coffin that night, I saw the smile her daughters had told me about. Of course I shed tears for her. And many a times in movies, I always wondered how it was to have flashbacks and at exactly that moment, I experienced flashbacks of those times she sat with me and joked about everything under the sun, I had flashbacks of her cheeky grin and her throw-her-head-back laughter when someone told her a good joke, her "ta" expression when she sees a cute picture of a kitten and her tight embrace when she meets me after a long time. Flashbacks. And then I come back to reality and I see her lying still in the coffin, her last place of rest. And I feel nothing but heartbreak.
Goodbye Aunty Edith. I will miss you.
She passed away surrounded by her children and her husband. When I peered into her coffin that night, I saw the smile her daughters had told me about. Of course I shed tears for her. And many a times in movies, I always wondered how it was to have flashbacks and at exactly that moment, I experienced flashbacks of those times she sat with me and joked about everything under the sun, I had flashbacks of her cheeky grin and her throw-her-head-back laughter when someone told her a good joke, her "ta" expression when she sees a cute picture of a kitten and her tight embrace when she meets me after a long time. Flashbacks. And then I come back to reality and I see her lying still in the coffin, her last place of rest. And I feel nothing but heartbreak.
Goodbye Aunty Edith. I will miss you.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Confessions of a new bride.
So, I am married.
And a week before I made the big plunge that ended my single-dom and privatised my "shares which were listed on the public exchange" so to speak, I got the news that the ex's mum has discovered that 3/4 of her lungs have been ravaged by cancer. The doctor gave her a month to live. I could not stop thinking how her cancer came back the same year the ex and I broke up. And in that 7 years we were together she lived a cancer free life. It drives me crazy that I may not be able to say my goodbye to her. I am of course deeply, deeply saddened by this.
The hubby finds it hard to understand why I would be so affected by someone whom I should have left and filed under "past life". But the fact is that she and I were close. I may no longer speak to her son but I still called to speak to her, I still visited her (secretly so as not to offend her new daughter in law) and I could make her laugh. Now the possibility of never ever hearing her laugh or enjoying her sense of humor bring tears to my eyes. How can God take away someone so full of life, someone who has so much to live for? They say God only takes away the good ones- it's now hit home how true that is.
The imminence of losing her has made me realise the importance of the decisions I have made in my life so far. When I first started dating my husband, there was the whole issue or race and religion which caused me a lot of grief. Many nights I sat and wondered if I should just walk away and never look back. Many days were spent plotting a possible solution which will see me being to escape religious persecutions or restrictions. But everything that I tried to structure always came back to the single question of "what about my parents?"
I speak to my parents every day. Yes, every day. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I speak to them about everything I can possibly think of- my day, their day, work and their new favourite topic, my husband. My parents are not the young sprightly things they were 20 years ago. They have aged, they lose things, they forget things and they move and speak slower. And I worry about them constantly.
I can choose to leave this country and pursue many opportunities out there or I can sit here in envy of the things some people have done with their lives - visiting countries, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people, doing different things. But I choose envy over possible regret. A regret which is possible if anything were to happen to my parents, I will not be able to come back quick enough or respond fast enough. A regret which I saw on a girl's facebook page that she could not kiss her father for the last time before he was buried because she was on a different continent when he breathed his last. A regret she has a tough time getting over. A regret which I know will haunt me forever.
I have made many decisions in my life in the past three years which I have never regretted. Friends have come into my life, overstayed and have promptly left. Some I have missed and some I realised should have left sooner. A month or two before I got hitched a friend or 17 years told me to "get lost" and that I have become so selfish she could no longer take it anymore. I promptly told her " yes, I have changed because I no longer live my life the way you want me to." We may have spent many good times together, but I will not spend a single minute mourning over a friendship that was never appreciated. If one is a true friend, we stick by each other through thick and thin. We do not abandon the other at the first or second or even third sign of trouble. We.stick.by.each.other.
I have made many new friends over the past years. Those who have willingly stayed for hours to help me with my wedding preparations. (You know who you are boys!) And also friends of whom I have known for 10 years and may not speak to on a daily basis, but who have reminded me that if I ever needed anything, they will be there for me.
Life is just too short for regrets. Love, if you can. And if you can't find love or if it eludes you, take your time. There are no timelines to finding someone. And if you decide you would rather be going at it alone, then find happiness in that. Do not let others dictate the life you want to lead, whom you should spend it with and how you should go about it. Keep the company that gives you contentment. Sacrifice for those whom you think are worth it and at the end of it all, be happy.
3 years ago, I chose to be happy. And I have never looked back since.
And a week before I made the big plunge that ended my single-dom and privatised my "shares which were listed on the public exchange" so to speak, I got the news that the ex's mum has discovered that 3/4 of her lungs have been ravaged by cancer. The doctor gave her a month to live. I could not stop thinking how her cancer came back the same year the ex and I broke up. And in that 7 years we were together she lived a cancer free life. It drives me crazy that I may not be able to say my goodbye to her. I am of course deeply, deeply saddened by this.
The hubby finds it hard to understand why I would be so affected by someone whom I should have left and filed under "past life". But the fact is that she and I were close. I may no longer speak to her son but I still called to speak to her, I still visited her (secretly so as not to offend her new daughter in law) and I could make her laugh. Now the possibility of never ever hearing her laugh or enjoying her sense of humor bring tears to my eyes. How can God take away someone so full of life, someone who has so much to live for? They say God only takes away the good ones- it's now hit home how true that is.
The imminence of losing her has made me realise the importance of the decisions I have made in my life so far. When I first started dating my husband, there was the whole issue or race and religion which caused me a lot of grief. Many nights I sat and wondered if I should just walk away and never look back. Many days were spent plotting a possible solution which will see me being to escape religious persecutions or restrictions. But everything that I tried to structure always came back to the single question of "what about my parents?"
I speak to my parents every day. Yes, every day. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I speak to them about everything I can possibly think of- my day, their day, work and their new favourite topic, my husband. My parents are not the young sprightly things they were 20 years ago. They have aged, they lose things, they forget things and they move and speak slower. And I worry about them constantly.
I can choose to leave this country and pursue many opportunities out there or I can sit here in envy of the things some people have done with their lives - visiting countries, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people, doing different things. But I choose envy over possible regret. A regret which is possible if anything were to happen to my parents, I will not be able to come back quick enough or respond fast enough. A regret which I saw on a girl's facebook page that she could not kiss her father for the last time before he was buried because she was on a different continent when he breathed his last. A regret she has a tough time getting over. A regret which I know will haunt me forever.
I have made many decisions in my life in the past three years which I have never regretted. Friends have come into my life, overstayed and have promptly left. Some I have missed and some I realised should have left sooner. A month or two before I got hitched a friend or 17 years told me to "get lost" and that I have become so selfish she could no longer take it anymore. I promptly told her " yes, I have changed because I no longer live my life the way you want me to." We may have spent many good times together, but I will not spend a single minute mourning over a friendship that was never appreciated. If one is a true friend, we stick by each other through thick and thin. We do not abandon the other at the first or second or even third sign of trouble. We.stick.by.each.other.
I have made many new friends over the past years. Those who have willingly stayed for hours to help me with my wedding preparations. (You know who you are boys!) And also friends of whom I have known for 10 years and may not speak to on a daily basis, but who have reminded me that if I ever needed anything, they will be there for me.
Life is just too short for regrets. Love, if you can. And if you can't find love or if it eludes you, take your time. There are no timelines to finding someone. And if you decide you would rather be going at it alone, then find happiness in that. Do not let others dictate the life you want to lead, whom you should spend it with and how you should go about it. Keep the company that gives you contentment. Sacrifice for those whom you think are worth it and at the end of it all, be happy.
3 years ago, I chose to be happy. And I have never looked back since.
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