I have a secret, I am frightened.

The 8th March 2011 passed by like any other day for a lot of you, but it was an extraordinary day for me as on that day, I "embraced" Islam.

I say embrace as "embrace" because I did not convert because Islam was a religion I chose to belief in. It was a religion that was forced upon me because I fell head over heels in love with a Muslim man.

Non- Muslims will know the fear and the anxiety of leaving a religion you grew up with, believed in and learned all your life, for another religion in which you have no knowledge of. Most Muslims will never understand it. For a Muslim in Malaysia will never have to make a choice of leaving Islam or embracing another religion-for love. If you've never had or ever have to do so, I do not expect you to understand.

I do not expect you to understand the anxiety I had when I knew I had fallen head over heels in love with my husband and knowing that if I choose to be his wife, I would have to do the inevitable. I do not expect you to understand the pain my parents went through in "giving" me up to Islam. Or the uncertainty my siblings had when I converted. I would not be able to explain to you how frightened I was on the 8th March 2011.

But I will try to tell you about the painful, anxious and frightening journey that I had.

To many people, my husband and I had a relative easy relationship. We met, we fell in love and we got married. But many do not know that when I we got together, my mother objected to our relationship. She did not speak to me for months and she refused to acknowledged the fact that I could love a Muslim man. I spent many days crying and asking for forgiveness. I wasn't sure why I asked for forgiveness, perhaps as Non Muslims, conversion into Islam is the act of ultimate betrayal to our parents. For we all know that it is a religion in which we can never leave if we ever decide that we no longer believed in it. I asked to be forgiven, I asked for him to be accepted. I'd say "look ma, he's just like us."

But the truth is, he wasn't.

He wasn't like us because he was a Muslim.

Friends and family tried to persuade me to leave him. I was frightened and unsure. I wasn't sure if I should follow my heart or my head. My heart knew that I have never loved a man as much as I loved him, but my head told me if I embrace Islam, I can never leave it and I will be subject to the man made arbitrary rules that it imposes on its followers.  I'd never told any of my friends how frightened I was. I'd make comments in passing that "yeah, he's Muslim" and some of my friends will react in horror while some will casually reply "so?".

So? So I will have to drop everything I believed in for the past 29 years of my life, and pick up something I may possibly never believe in.

But I took the plunge on the 8th March 2011. My mother sobbed throughout the conversion. It was cold and unwelcoming. He lectured me on the 5 pillars of Islam. He told me the benefits of prayers. He asked if I would change my name and I said no. He questioned my decision to stay with the name my parents had lovingly given me, but I said "I respect my father's wish not to change my name."
I signed on a form that said that it was my decision to stick to the name I was given at birth. He then asked me to "ucap Dua Kalimat Syahadat"and it was done.

All the while my mother sat behind me and sobbed because no one asked her if she is ready to give up her daughter to Islam. Because no one acknowledge how hard it was for a mother to see her daughter give up everything she was brought up to believe in. And all the while I sat there frightened that I had made a mistake.

I could not speak to my mother that day for I did not know how to comfort her. I sat there, worried, anxious and all the while frightened. I felt that I had let my mother down.

We sat there for another 10 minutes and they ushered me into a booth to have my picture taken for the conversion card. "Wear this."he said while shoving a headscarf in my direction. It was red, it was tight and it was uncomfortable. I looked horrible. But snap and it was done.

I am now a Muslim.

And I was, am, very frightened.

But this is a journey that I have chosen, and I know there is no turning back.