I am puteh

Some people said Chinese and Malay cannot be married.

2012-02-13T12:06:00.001+08:00

Do not be my leader. Do not command. Walk with me and be my peer.

2012-02-13T09:58:00.000+08:00

"All I feel now,
Is the weight of the day,
I need you with me,
To push it away,

When we disappear into each other,
Our Colors appear and bleed into one,

Fade into me, fade into you,
Two of us melting together until we become something new,
We can escape,
And watch the world chasing to find us,
Both of us hidden from view,
If you, fade into me, fade into me.

When I'm broken,
You're the one thing I need,
Like an ocean,
Feel you crash over me,

When we disappear into each other,
Our colors appear and bleed into one,

Fade into me, fade into you,
Two of us melting together until we become something new,
We can escape,
And watch the world chasing to find us,
Both of us hidden from view,
If you, fade into me

Let go, fall in,
Drown in the moment with me,
Sinking 'til we start to breathe,

Fade into me, fade into you,
Two of us melting together until we become something new,
We can escape,
And watch the world chasing to find us,

Fade into me, fade into you,
Two of us melting together until we become something new,
We can escape,
And watch the world chasing to find us,
Both of us hidden from view,
If you, fade into me.
Fade into me.
Fade into me. "

For the majority of the time, I do feel like the husband and I have such a relationship. Whereby we lean on each other to survive the curveballs that the world throws at us.

That is until religion comes into play.

Then I know I am alone.

I know I have made a choice and I have to live with it. But compromise is a word that should not exist only in MY dictionary. It is one that should exist and be practiced in each and everyone's lives. Your religion should never be above others. Your way of life does not trump mine. My culture is not second to yours.

I will not budge and be pliant to all of your (and your family)'s needs and desires. For I have my own life to live.

Yes, I have made a choice. But at the end of the day, nobody will carry the burden of my sorrows or my sins, but myself. So, for this I shall live life the way I choose.

Why do lawyers earn so much money? We don't. I don't anyway.

2012-01-19T10:48:00.000+08:00

Being married to a pilot, a lot of people ask me this "why do pilots earn so much anyway? Everything can be done by auto pilot."

Yes, that may be true if you have perfect and still skies every damn time you fly. Except that you don't. You sometimes fly into bad weather. Or perhaps into an Elmo's Fire. Or say, 2 out of the four engines of the aircraft fails, you think the so called "everything can be done by autopilot" will fly the damn plane for you?

Sure, like many out there, I die a little every time my husband jokes "even with a whole month off from flying, I still earn more than you." (this is usually followed by a chuckle, to which I will say it then makes perfect sense for me to no longer spend my meagre pay and spend all of his BIG FAT PAYCHECK- seriously. never say this to your wife.)

But still, a lot of people earn a lot of money for the type of job that they do because it probably has higher risks, bigger responsibilities, requires more thought and more of everything. And while we are at this topic, can I just say that just because your company has 600 staff and mine has 3, it does not make your job more important and mine any less important.

Seriously, what monkey's ass logic is it to say "Oh, goodla you can work in a small firm. Sure you get paid a lot more than I do right? And you don't have to do as much work."

The reason why you are not going home at 5.30pm is because you probably got to work at 10am. And the reason why you work piles up is probably because you are on FB during working hours, complaining about how much work you have, instead of actually DOING the damn work. So cut out the frills, the coffee breaks. the long lunches, the time spent on reading jokes in your email inbox, time spent twitting and fb-ing about how much work you have, you may actually finish at 5pm.And then your job is no different from mine now is it? I just have better time management.

So two days ago, a friend posted a link about Flight Attendants.I mean, the title says it all "Flight Attendants: Unspoken Heroes."
I have two issues with this article. But before this I am not sure how some people can SKIM an article, gleaned probably 20% of what is being said in it, make a positive reading of it and then post it up as if it were quotes from a Holy Book. When if you read it slowly and thoroughly, you get paragraphs that say:-

"The asian airlines have small, petite, and dainty little creatures ‘serving’ you. With their “Hello Kitty’ trinkets on their phone, tons of make up (as they were trained to wear), and their weekly manicures. Regular little dolls. So much emphasis on how to please you visually. But how are they in case of emergency? I’ve been on flights with several airlines and have witnessed many times the ‘thinking bulb’ blinking on top of their heads as they wonder if the proper arming and disarming technique was used. Boy, do I feel safe."

I don't know about you, but if I were an Asian cabin crew, working with an Asian airline, I would be thoroughly, absolutely and incredibly INSULTED. But apparently not those who put up this link for everyone to see and capping it off with "read this and stop insulting us!"

All I can say is, woman, you insulted yourself by posting this link. I'm not sure how it is that you do not take offense of that paragraph that absolutely DEGRADES you, not only as a person, but of your culture, your intelligence and your professionalism. It's like writing an article that says

Doctors are great. They save lives, they are overworked and underpaid. But boy do these doctors give all they have for others. OH ASIAN DOCTORS ARE FULL OF SHIT. Respect doctors. The end.

And you think OMFG this is a great article about doctors?! Sure does not speak a lot about your intelligence. Just saying.

Anyway I digress. Moving along to the other thing I find disturbing about this article.

"The General Publis is shocked at how much money some FAs make. What’s shocking is 10 FAs in one apartment that should house 2, to make ends meet. What’s shocking is lawyers who make 6 figures when most of what they learned was opened book, while people who save lives Dr.’s, nurses, and yes, FAs don’t."

Oh HELLO. That's the ultimate insult right there. If everything I learnt was OPEN BOOK, there would be no necessity for universities to ever award anything below 1st class Honours. I mean, if you are too stupid to score a 100% on an open book exam, you probably should not have embarked on studying law anyway. (that's another subject for another day)

And what an incredulously stupid and ignorant statement to make. Not all lawyers sit in their cushy offices and read documents. Not all lawyers just sign off on Hire Purchase documents, or merger what nots. Who do you think fights for those who have been wrongly convicted and sentenced to death in prison for crimes they have not committed? Who? Sure, you don't see us scouring document after document, looking at boxes and boxes of evidence, tracking up and down the court room everyday, grilling untruthful witnesses bent on nailing your client, whatever the cost. You don't see that. And you say "oh god, so unworthy of the money you earn."

So what you are saying is this- just because you are trained to help passengers evacuate in times of emergency, resuscitate passengers in distress or try to save drowning passengers if the airplane should God Forbid, crash- and the possibility of being struck by lightning has a higher chance of happening-YOU save more lives than lawyers who are in court every day trying to keep innocent persons from being punished for crimes they did not commit?

Right.

I'm sorry. I don't get it. I have no disrespect for Flight Attendants. But boy I WILL find issue with statements such as above.

You do your job and I will do mine.

Just as I respect your ability to work tirelessly throughout a 16 hour flight while looking absolutely flawless, get off the plane, rest for a mere 10 hours and do it all over again, day after day, you respect that I too, have different challenges in my job.

Are we clear?

Hey 2012,wassup?

2012-01-06T16:39:00.001+08:00

You know the saying "let time heal what reason cannot".

I live by that.

If you'd asked me back in March 2011 why I had such a big fallout with a friend of 17 years, I could tell you every minute detail- down to the things she did and did not do, the words she uttered and the texts she sent me. Today, I have all but forgotten what happened except that we are no longer friends, much less acquaintances. I was given the cold shoulder when I bumped into her two weeks ago at a wedding. I am no longer a teenager, no longer a young adult. I am in the third box now. But here I am faced with a "former friend" of 17 years, giving me the cold shoulder. I guess some people do not grow up.

Many have told me some people find fault in another person's life because they are essentially very unhappy with their own. Could it be true? Could it be true that I kept all my friends happy when I was the most unhappy with my own life? And once I made a decision to follow the path to happiness, everything unraveled. I was no longer the friend I used to be. Why would anybody who claim to be a friend, rob you or stop you from finding happiness? Or enjoying and embracing a new life with new beginnings? I guess some people just can't find it in their hearts to allow others to be happy.

2011 was eventful for me. For one, I got married. Not just to any guy, but to the guy whom I met 10 years ago when I was merely 21 and attached to someone else. I made the decision then that I could not be with him, for we had cultural and religious differences. But God had other plans for me. And in 2008, I was single again after 7 years of holding on to something which was obviously not for me, and I met him again. And the first thing he said to me was "I guess you're married now?"

It is only when you are at your lowest point in life, do you realise your true friends. It was when I was torn between taking the plunge into something I could never leave or walking away from someone I loved wholeheartedly, that someone told me "Who cares? It's not easy to find love. And it certainly is not easy to find a man who is crazy in love with you. Whatever comes next, you'll deal with it later on. And rest assured he'll be right there to deal with it with you."

In 2011, I learn to let go. Of grudges. Of hate. I extended an olive branch or two to friends I had sworn I would never speak to again. I made that decision when someone whom I admired and loved passed away from cancer. I didn't have a chance to say goodbye. I was a day late. I would hate to live life regretting missed opportunities to tell someone I loved them or that I am sorry I hurt them.

2011 was also the year I realised I am no longer as attached to material things as I thought I was. I know my peers earn double of what I earn, yet I find that I do not envy their late nights, their lack of social activities and their office doubling as their home. A friend of mine worked hard for every penny she earned. Late nights, working weekends, working from home and all that stopped as soon as she learned she was pregnant. She told me" Suddenly I don't really care so much about work anymore."

I have also learned to be thankful. While I hate the size of my thighs, I am thankful that my legs are strong. I am thankful that I have a loving family, a wonderful husband, great friends, fantastic boss and a job I have passion for. I am grateful for the opportunities I have been given and the many endless possibilities that 2012 will offer me.

I am happy. And my wish for 2012 is that each and every one of you will find happiness too. One that is not selfish. One that does not increase or decrease with the level of another person's happiness.

Happy 2012!

Dear 2012, I promise I will love unconditionally. Love, me.

2011-12-21T09:09:00.001+08:00

It's roughly ten days before 2011 ends.

It's weird how I wake up each morning and think, "Wow. So many things have changed, and yet so many things have remained the same."

It's hard to tell myself to embrace the change. It's tough to like every change. But some changes may seem painful at first, but well worth it at the end.

The only resolution I have for next year?

To love unconditionally. But, only for those who know how to love me back.

For what is the use of living life, spending precious hours and minutes on those who are not worth it?

Wicked Game.

2011-11-25T09:43:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, while on a ride back home from work, hubby launched into a narrative of an episode of "The Waking Dead." No amount of eye rolling, gagging noises and barfing action could stop him from insisting I hear his story. And even though I reiterated to him that I do not follow the series and him telling me bits and pieces of some episodes serves no purpose at all, well suffice to say it did not stop him. From what I remember about what he rambled on, it was about unrequited love.

Man 1 goes into coma, man's wife finds another man because she thought Man 1 had died.
Man 1 then wakes up from coma and wife leaves Man 2 to be with Man 1, while at the same time telling Man 2 to forget her.
Man 2 cannot forget her and spends most of the episode(s) telling her how much he loves her.

At the end of the story, hubby exclaims "Man 2 is so annoying. He's always telling her "oh, I love you." "I am always the one who has to lose out" and he does it with such a sad face."

At this juncture of the story, I reminded hubby that we have all been "victims" of unrequited love. We have loved someone who did not loved us back. And we would have had someone love us without us loving them back. Some of us would have had either the former or the latter. So truly, is it annoying to pin for someone whom every molecule of your body, yearns for?

I have pined for lost/unrequited love. One lasted 3 years. THREE years of hoping to be loved back. 3 years of hoping he would return my love, my affection and attention. All I got was a big heap of nothing. I'm sure many of us have sat at the phone, wondering whether to pick up the phone, dial the number and hope to hear the person's voice. In those days, we did not have the luxury of sending a text message. No "hey you., what's up? You doing good?" text. We actually had to CALL the person and speak. We would have had to rehearse the "opening speech". And then there must be an interesting story to share to justify the out of the blue phone call. And in between all that we hope that person would tell us of their day, their whereabouts and hopefully no story of a girlfriend. Tough times.

But that is the thing about love isn't it? It either is or it isn't. We can't force love. And I believe that you know whether you love the person from the first day you meet someone. If it's a no fly zone, then it will forever remain out of bounds. But if you feel just the tingling feeling in your toes, the butterflies in your stomach, the excited beating of your heart when you first meet someone, you know there is a possibility you can love that person.

When I was 19 years of age, a good friend drove me to dinner. On the way back, he stopped the car at the side of the road, brought out a birthday cake and sang to me. At the end of the song, he leaned over and told me he had loved me since he first met me. I didn't feel the same., No amount of letters, love songs and phone calls could change that. I was a fool at that time to think if I ignored him long enough, he would go away. I was selfish, I was ignorant and I was foolish. Now I know I must have caused him quite a lot of heartache. Why would I do to him what someone else had done to me?

But, as said above, that is the thing about love isn't it? Some of us are not meant for each other. Some of us will never love another who yearns for us. Some of us will not find the missing piece to the puzzle in another. If you're lucky, one day you'll find someone who will fit right into your hopes, your ideals and your life. And if you're really lucky, you'll both feel the same.

The DEATH of music.

2011-11-24T16:49:00.001+08:00

I love you. Now what?

2011-11-21T11:06:00.001+08:00

A few weeks ago, a friend told me a story. It went like this.

Bride and groom have made their rounds at the wedding dinner. The groom obviously had a little too much too drink. The emcee then invites the newlyweds to the stage for their thank you speech. Newlyweds make their way to the podium.

Groom then picks up the mic and says " MICHELLE, WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?" "YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I LOVE, MICHELLE." "I LOVE YOU MICHELLE."

I'm not sure if you've guessed by now that the bride's name is obviously NOT Michelle. Michelle being the groom's ex girlfriend who happened to be seated somewhere in the ballroom that night, cringing in shame and embarrassment. Well, I'm not sure how the marriage fared after that enlightening speech by the groom that night but I am pretty sure they didn't ride together happily into the sunset.

Yes, it is a true story. No fictional characters. All real, breathing, living human beings.

So, the question is why do some of us marry for all the wrong reasons? So many of us think we should marry because "I'm getting old" or "We've been together for so long, why not?" or "she'll be a good wife/husband.".

Are those the reasons why we should spend the rest of our lives with someone? I'm not professing to know the ingredients to a happy marriage but I can bet my last sen that those reasons up there won't give you happily ever after.

Is it too cliche to think, the reason one should marry is for LOVE? The butterflies in your stomach, heart racing, eager, passionate, time consuming, birds chirping, perfect sky, kisses and hugs, type of love?

It's not cliche. One should ALWAYS marry for love. If it weren't for the fact that I loved my then boyfriend (who is obviously my husband now) I would not have defied my parents, lost some friends, accepted ridicule and made a life changing commitment to marry him. But the truth is that, while we should marry for love, love by itself, is not enough.

Love does not pay your bills, love does not feed your children (if you choose to have them) and love certainly does not mask emotional baggage or close the gap of intellect.

I swear each time I meet this friend of mine, I think why is he with her? She's flighty, she's not the most intelligent , she's got a terrible temper, and oftimes she uses words without even knowing what it means. And in a split second I also think why is she with him? He's lazy, he does not work, he likes to have intellectual discourse with his friends- politics, economy- something which she has no knowledge about and he makes her pay whenever they go out to eat. You'd think these differences are glaringly obvious. They are, according to them, very much in love. And hope to married.
Except that it has been two years since they have talked about marriage, but he has not proposed and she is still waiting for him to do so. And she complains about him all the time, she hates his mother, she hates his sister and her mother hates that he is much too complacent to get a job instead of riding on her coat tails. His mother on the other hand thinks she wants to marry him because he has family money. Match made in heaven? These problems are BOUND to crop up even more once these people take the plunge of marriage. Yet, every day, they tell themselves, we are in love. Love will conquer all.

Bollocks.

If all of us took out heads out from the clouds, and wiped the glaze from our eyes, remove our rose tinted glasses, maybe we can see that life is not like a movie. In real life, we do not fall deeply and madly in love with somebody and then live happily ever after. In reality, we fall deeply and madly in love with somebody, we discover we are very different in character and upbringing, we work on those differences, we find a solution, we learn patience, we learn tolerance, we learn to love the person for who he is and for who he wants to be, and then maybe we can have a shot at happily ever after.

I may sound like a party pooper. But at least I still think you should always have the moment when you meet that one person and you fall madly and deeply in love.

That I believe everyone is entitled to have.

As for the rest, let's not get too carried away with fairy tales.

Rules for husbands to live by.

2011-10-28T17:00:00.001+08:00

Just about a week ago, in the midst of my family - I was busy cursing and ranting that a man had rudely taken the parking lot which I trailed two ladies for. I then said he had gestured to me that I was going against traffic and that he was therefore entitled to take that parking. In between all the cursing and ranting, the hubby chimes "The last time someone went against traffic and took a parking you didn't like it."

RULE NUMBER 1: Does NOT matter what I did and did not like the last time. While I am ranting about something, you SUPPORT my ranting and insist, just like how I insisted, that I am RIGHT and the other person is WRONG.

RULE NUMBER 2: You can THINK of the above statement, but you do NOT say it out loud while I am ranting about it.

RULE NUMBER 3: I am always right.

As long as you follow the above three rules, you will succeed in your marriage. Trust me. (Read rule number 3)

No More Goodbyes and Hello again.

2011-10-19T17:02:00.003+08:00

The good thing about being married is that marriage teaches you to fight better.

It sounds odd, but it does.

When I was still checking the single box, every argument will lead to a mini tantrum, door slamming, sulking, raising of voices, exchange of insults and more often than not, ending everything by walking out of the house, never to return again. Well, at least for a few hours, or a day or two.

Marriage has "robbed" me of that. Marriage has robbed me of the "luxury" of turning away from the cause of the yelling and screaming and insult exchange. It has swiftly removed all "walking away" privileges. What it has placed on my married shoulders, is a burden- every married person must bear- the burden of learning to fight better.

We have all been guilty of walking away from arguments- please leave me alone, please do not touch me, please stop talking. We walk away, we cool down and we forget. But this cycle of arguing, walking away and forgetting will repeat itself. For an unresolved issue will remain, an unresolved issue- popping up like an annoying zit with an imbedded whitehead that refuses to budge.

Marriage has made me awaken to the realisation that I will still need space to cool off, I will still ask not to be touched or spoken to when I am in a foul mood, and I will still want to be alone to clear my thoughts, but it has also made me realise I can no longer choose to stay that way. I will have to learn to face the demons that threaten to amplify trivial matters into big volcanic proportions that may tear a relationship apart. I've learnt to cherish my relationship more. I have learned that once we've said our "I DO's" we've promised each other that we will work things out together, regardless of what comes our way- because walking away is no longer an option.

Many of us are ready for a wedding, but how many of us are truly prepared for a marriage?

Cheap flights, cheap flights!

2011-07-28T17:21:00.001+08:00

WTF?

2011-07-22T10:39:00.003+08:00

It's not that I am saying my England is very powderful but seriously...WTF is this???

"not think care about that?"
HUH?
HUH? WTF?

WHA-??

And the government decides to revert to teaching Maths and Science in English. Look at the level of English in our country! Not only is the above English horrendously bad, its nonsensical!!

Hello, we cannot be friends. GO AWAY.

2011-07-21T16:04:00.003+08:00

I have a friend, let's call her C.

A typical conversation with C would start like this:-

Me: Hello! How are you?
A: I'm depressed.
Me: Oh, why so?
A: Because my life is not going the way I want, and bla bla bla bla sad bla bla bla bla depressed, bla bla bla bla bla and BLA.

Repeat above conversation every time I meet her.

Now C is a girl who earns above average. C is a girl who recently started a relationship with a great guy. C is a girl whom one can say have all the necessities in life ...and more.

So wtf is she so depressed about, you ask?

I have no idea.

I guess some people live on gaining sympathy from others about how "hard" their lives are. Or how "sad" they are. And how drama is her middle name.

If I tell her "hey, don't be depressed. Did you hear D found out she was ill and passed away recently. Life is short. Don't sit around moping."

Her typical response will be "I know. But did you know *fireworks* *drama* *sob story a hundred times worse* happened to me??"

*___*

I've just about given up on her. It's not that I do not want to be supportive but friends like this do nothing but drain me.

Maybe it's age or maybe, I'm just sick and tired of how some friendships can be so damn hard.
When did friendship become so hard? When did it stop becoming fun and fulfilling? When did friendship become work?

Perhaps, I should just stop being friends with crappy people. That ought to solve my problem.

Dear Ms Smarty Pants

2011-07-19T15:12:00.002+08:00

Had a very nasty encounter with a senior lawyer the other day. I have never really liked her and have been warned by my boss from the first day I stepped into the court room to be careful of her. Every time my boss is not in court with me, she will show her true colours and talk down to me. She will dismiss my words and try to talk over my voice. But guess what Ms. Smarty Pants?

I made sure you know what I am made of didn't I?

"Come on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper."

Eyes trained to detect cellulite.

2011-07-07T10:20:00.003+08:00

Opening scene of Transformers 3.

Imagine Rosie Huntington's long legs and butt on full display on the big screen.

While I was busy drooling at her perfect pins, the hubby says:-

"Do you see the cellulite on her thighs???"

-________-

Turn the page for the answer to life.

2011-06-29T09:46:00.004+08:00

Have you ever woken up and felt overwhelmed by everything?

I have been feeling exactly that for the past few months.

Overwhelmed by questions I am unable to find answers to. Dreams I am unable to pinpoint. Wants and desires I am unable to crystallize into something concrete that is achievable. Problems which solutions elude me.

I sometimes wonder if money motivates everybody. I find myself telling friends not to switch jobs based purely on the pay package but to always, always love what they are doing. For without passion for something, we can only last for so long before we absolutely abhor what we wake up every morning for.

I ask myself everyday if I love what I do. For if I do, why do I sometimes wake up and wonder if I can do better. If I am happy where I am, why is it that sometimes I feel I am not trying harder to do more. But truly, what is that "better" and what is that "more" that I think I lack?

If only life came with an instructional guide.

Why don't you love me anymore???

2011-06-28T14:37:00.002+08:00

Everyone's been asking me how married life is.

To truth is, there really isn't any difference. The only big glaring difference would be, we will no longer run the risk of being arrested for some religious offence should we stroll hand in hand in Shah Alam. Other than that, life really is pretty much the same.

Ok, I lied.

Now that we're legally hitched, my parents love my husband more than they love me. I swear.

Those days while we were just dating, I would go home to my hometown and mum will get me a bunch of things for my health (drink this herb drink, good for your health!) my cravings (here's the nice jeruk you wanted) and things I am much too stingy to buy myself (here's the melon I got which is imported from China).

Now, it's "these biscuits are for S, these drinks are for S- he has a store throat right? S flies a lot, sure he doesn't sleep well- give him some of these herbal drinks, these vitamins are good for him, helps keep him alert."

-____-

And when I call her to tell her I'll be back for the weekend, her first question will be "What about your husband? He's coming right?" (cos God forbid I should travel back all by my lonesome self)

And when we plan dinner out, it's "Oh they have < insert hubby's favourite dish > there! We should definitely have dinner there."

Seriously!

ANYWAY, other than the fact that I am not longer my parent's favourite child, married life has been good. I reckon I see the hubby 14 out of 31 days. I guess that's not enough for a lot of people, but I enjoy time on my own.

Time where you can sit down in front of the tv and watch chick flicks,reality tv, pluck stray hairs at places stray hairs grow , yak for hours on the phone with my bff about her dating life and etc.

Ok, I lied. Actually more like I am not really telling the whole truth.

As much as I love having time of my own, the truth is that I miss my husband when he isn't around.

Darn it. Yes, it's fun to be young, carefree and independent. But I much prefer having a man who keeps me warm at the cinema, who makes me coffee when I wake up in the morning, who calls me to check if I am home when I drive by myself, who rubs my forehead and temples when I say I have a headache, who lets me rest my head on his shoulder when I get tired, who is fiercely protective of me when he feels I am being bullied and so much more.

I'm a very lucky girl to have found a soulmate. :)

Goodbye.

2011-06-07T10:40:00.002+08:00

Aunty Edith passed away peacefully on Saturday at 8.35am.

She passed away surrounded by her children and her husband. When I peered into her coffin that night, I saw the smile her daughters had told me about. Of course I shed tears for her. And many a times in movies, I always wondered how it was to have flashbacks and at exactly that moment, I experienced flashbacks of those times she sat with me and joked about everything under the sun, I had flashbacks of her cheeky grin and her throw-her-head-back laughter when someone told her a good joke, her "ta" expression when she sees a cute picture of a kitten and her tight embrace when she meets me after a long time. Flashbacks. And then I come back to reality and I see her lying still in the coffin, her last place of rest. And I feel nothing but heartbreak.

Goodbye Aunty Edith. I will miss you.

Confessions of a new bride.

2011-06-03T14:21:00.005+08:00

So, I am married.

And a week before I made the big plunge that ended my single-dom and privatised my "shares which were listed on the public exchange" so to speak, I got the news that the ex's mum has discovered that 3/4 of her lungs have been ravaged by cancer. The doctor gave her a month to live. I could not stop thinking how her cancer came back the same year the ex and I broke up. And in that 7 years we were together she lived a cancer free life. It drives me crazy that I may not be able to say my goodbye to her. I am of course deeply, deeply saddened by this.

The hubby finds it hard to understand why I would be so affected by someone whom I should have left and filed under "past life". But the fact is that she and I were close. I may no longer speak to her son but I still called to speak to her, I still visited her (secretly so as not to offend her new daughter in law) and I could make her laugh. Now the possibility of never ever hearing her laugh or enjoying her sense of humor bring tears to my eyes. How can God take away someone so full of life, someone who has so much to live for? They say God only takes away the good ones- it's now hit home how true that is.

The imminence of losing her has made me realise the importance of the decisions I have made in my life so far. When I first started dating my husband, there was the whole issue or race and religion which caused me a lot of grief. Many nights I sat and wondered if I should just walk away and never look back. Many days were spent plotting a possible solution which will see me being to escape religious persecutions or restrictions. But everything that I tried to structure always came back to the single question of "what about my parents?"

I speak to my parents every day. Yes, every day. Not because I have to, but because I want to. I speak to them about everything I can possibly think of- my day, their day, work and their new favourite topic, my husband. My parents are not the young sprightly things they were 20 years ago. They have aged, they lose things, they forget things and they move and speak slower. And I worry about them constantly.

I can choose to leave this country and pursue many opportunities out there or I can sit here in envy of the things some people have done with their lives - visiting countries, experiencing new cultures, meeting new people, doing different things. But I choose envy over possible regret. A regret which is possible if anything were to happen to my parents, I will not be able to come back quick enough or respond fast enough. A regret which I saw on a girl's facebook page that she could not kiss her father for the last time before he was buried because she was on a different continent when he breathed his last. A regret she has a tough time getting over. A regret which I know will haunt me forever.

I have made many decisions in my life in the past three years which I have never regretted. Friends have come into my life, overstayed and have promptly left. Some I have missed and some I realised should have left sooner. A month or two before I got hitched a friend or 17 years told me to "get lost" and that I have become so selfish she could no longer take it anymore. I promptly told her " yes, I have changed because I no longer live my life the way you want me to." We may have spent many good times together, but I will not spend a single minute mourning over a friendship that was never appreciated. If one is a true friend, we stick by each other through thick and thin. We do not abandon the other at the first or second or even third sign of trouble. We.stick.by.each.other.

I have made many new friends over the past years. Those who have willingly stayed for hours to help me with my wedding preparations. (You know who you are boys!) And also friends of whom I have known for 10 years and may not speak to on a daily basis, but who have reminded me that if I ever needed anything, they will be there for me.

Life is just too short for regrets. Love, if you can. And if you can't find love or if it eludes you, take your time. There are no timelines to finding someone. And if you decide you would rather be going at it alone, then find happiness in that. Do not let others dictate the life you want to lead, whom you should spend it with and how you should go about it. Keep the company that gives you contentment. Sacrifice for those whom you think are worth it and at the end of it all, be happy.

3 years ago, I chose to be happy. And I have never looked back since.

Just for you.

2011-04-25T15:33:00.000+08:00

A dedication to my future hubby.

Standing up for what you believe...

2011-03-30T15:07:00.002+08:00

Let us make a vow to live with no regrets.

2011-03-21T09:33:00.003+08:00

Three days ago, a very good friend's hubby called.

"Hey, just to tell you that N had a stroke and is now in the hospital."

My instant reaction was of course immense grief.

N has been my pillar of strength in my moments of doubt and fear with the recent changes in life. She has held my hand and said "I know you're scared, but it's okay- you know what you're doing is right." She has taken days off to see me make a vow I was doubtful I could keep- for she knew I needed moral support. She spend hours on end listening to me gripe and whine, and she ran in the rain with me to make sure I had everything I needed for the wedding.

And in that few seconds, I thought I had lost everything.

Now I really know what it means to wish I could turn back time.

But there is no turning back time, but only to trudge forward and make the best of it. I held her hand in the hospital and spoke to her. And I go home at night and pray for her recovery. And everyone says " that's all you can do."

The shitty truth is, that really IS all I can do. But I also sit here and wish, I was a better friend to her. I knew she was stressed but I did not find out why. I knew she had recently decided to change jobs, I should have offered to help. I should, could and would, if I knew I may one day never have the chance again.

There is really no point in regrets. And I shall have none because I can try to be a better friend to her today. She will pull through and I will be right there for her whenever and wherever she needs me.

And N, as the ustaz told you the other day.." God loves you" and he will keep you safe.

I need some courage.

2011-03-02T16:53:00.004+08:00

Sometimes I think I have made the right decision.

Sometimes I think, maybe not.

How many ways can one disappoint their parents? Or their siblings?

Ultimately in life, if I choose to be happy, how many hearts do I crush with the decision that I make? How many people will think I am being stupid? How much of my future is guaranteed to be bright and right?

Oh Dahlia, did you parents have no objections? If only I had your courage.

Confessions of an almost 30 yr old.

2011-02-28T12:32:00.003+08:00

The thing about growing old-er is that we mellow.
That or I have less space in my heart to hold grudges and be angry.

On a side note, planning a wedding is seriously time consuming.
I am officially the worst bride ever. Everybody's nightmare I guess.

Anyway I digress, back to having no grudges.

I have in the past two weeks picked up the phone and texted two people I have sworn never to speak to again. Asked them if they are ok, congratulated them on their promotions and their work and all they've done in their lives. One was surprised I contacted her and said "I thought you were still angers maximus?" the other was relieved I have finally decided to take the first step to speak to her.

What is it about growing old that leaves our hearts more open to accept flaws and shortcomings? I thought 6 months ago that as I grow older, I have less space to tolerate bad behaviour and crap friends. But as these 6 months slowly drifted by, I realised I am more open to accepting that we can never ever again be great friends, but we do not have to be enemies.

I guess growing older does ensure that we gain some wisdom and learn to finally let go. Of promises which will be broken and of people who will drift apart.

Maybe growing older is about learning that, we can only do so much but the most important thing is that we must try.

Ed Zachary disease. Your face looks "ed zachary" like your ass.

2011-01-06T16:58:00.003+08:00

I hardly ever make new year resolutions. I just don't get why we have to wait til the end of the year to do that. We should be making resolutions every day of the year.

I make daily resolutions. I shall not be your excuse for your bad behaviour. I shall not eat McD's anymore. I will not care about being your friend if you were never mine in the first place. I shall workout tomorrow.

Resolutions. Why wait? My resolution for tomorrow is to get something done to my blah hair. See how easy it is? One step at a time!

On a side note, I walked into a bridal shop two days ago and found the perfect dress amidst a sea of ugliness and bad sales behaviour. Disappointed to know that the dress belonged to someone else, I asked the (rude) sales lady whether she had anything similar to the dress I-would-sell-my-fiancee for and was told "This dress is very expensive as the lace is very expensive."

Yeah so what bitch?

Do you think that I can't afford it? Even if I could NOT afford it, your JOB (if you have forgotten), is to take the damned dress off the rack, undress it from the plastic cover, walk over to me, and pass it to me and use your fingers to zip me up.

In fact, if your dresses weren't SO ugly, I wouldn't even dare DIE in them, I would make you take twenty dresses, try them on and say "oh they all look so ugly" and walk out from your shop. bitch.

If not for my sister being there, I would have made it known to you that you can eat shit and die. (or something along those lines)

I will never tolerate bad behaviour. Especially if you're in sales. Especially so also, if you're in doing sales in a bridal shop. Imagine a happy skipping bride turning up at the bridal shop and being met with thunder face rude "her face looks exactly like her ass" sales woman.

Killjoy.

I hope one day you trip over a long train, hit yourself on the head and start bleeding profusely and I will be standing there watching and when you say "please call the ambulance", I'll say "the nearest hospital is Prince Medical Court. It's very expensive."

waiting for karma is so not my thing.

2010-12-15T11:20:00.003+08:00

I hate the fact that just by being pretty in this world, half your battles are already won.

What about the rest of us who have to work our ass off to get what we want?

They say karma's a bitch but I've yet to see it come back to some people who deserve to have it boomerang back so fast it slaps the bejeezus and knocks the wind and socks off her.

I'm waiting for karma to make its much anticipated appearance.

And I hate waiting.

I'm standing still.

2010-12-13T10:17:00.005+08:00

Is it enough to just love a man?

Can his love tide you through everything?

Can his love tide you through emotional upheavals?
Religious turmoil?
Familial obligations?

Every time I think it's smooth sailing, that I am actually happy, I come to a dead end. If I look back, I see the bumps and humps I've overcome but all I have right now after all the hard work, is a dead end.

I see so many people cheering me on, all on the other side. But are these the people I WANT to cheer me on? What about those I've inadvertently left behind to pursue this journey? Why aren't they taking out the poms poms and giving me the support I need?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I find it hypocritical when someone tells me they only date men of a certain religion. A friend said to me "I will never date a man who is not Christian. He does not have to go to church or be very religious. Religion is very important to me. I do not go to church but I pray and I listen to sermons."

Does that make sense to you?

Religion is important to her only to the point of, he needs to be Christian. He may not need to believe in Christianity, he may not need to practice Christianity, he may not need to go to church or say his prayers. It's okay as long as he is born Christian.

So, what was the point again? How is religion important to her? If it were important to you, it would matter if he is Christian merely by birth or if he were a practicing staunch Christian, right?

And if I myself am not very religious, when did religion become so important to me?

Most wars in history are started by men and their need to assert their religion (which of course ties up with greed and power). And so many of us say we're moderate, and so many of us say we are understanding and we live in harmony, but truly we harbor racism under our facades.

Why do so many people aspire and yearn for a something, which even if it were very flawed, is still a something which is better than another.

" Between fight and flight
Is the blind man's sight
And a choice that's right."
- Jewel, Standing Still.

Please say you're not going out looking like that.

2010-12-10T17:17:00.002+08:00

Every time I stumble upon a "fashionable" blog, I oftentimes think they look like a 12 year old. Whose parents were too poor to buy her clothes that actually looked normal so they gave her hand me downs and made her roll her jeans up so it wouldn't drag on the floor.

Seriously. pulling a tank top that barely covers your bellybutton, squeezing into a pair of badly fitted jeans and topping it all off with horrid Doc Marts and a questionable boxy bag, does not a fashionista make you.

Oh Yes, I'll marry you. Wait, is that a 1.5 carat or not?

2010-11-29T10:41:00.003+08:00

While a bunch of us were oohh-ahhh-ing over a newborn the other day, a friend brought up a topic of how weird a friend of ours was behaving.

"She's being really weird nowadays."

We deliberated on her weirdness and the conversation strayed into how she was doubting whether the guy she was currently dating was the one for her.

S, my friend said "Did you hear about what she told some of us about J(her boyfriend)?"

"She said she isn't sure if J is for her, as she heard from his friends that he has been shopping around for some rings and also asking around about rings."

So I said "but what does that have to do with whether he is the right one for her? I thought she had been dying to get married? Isn't this a good thing to know J's been shopping for rings?"

S then said "Yeah, but she heard he is only shopping for a one carat ring. She said she couldn't possibly say yes to anything less than a ONE POINT FIVE CARAT."

Apparently Ms. I-won't-say-yes-to-anything-less-than-one-point-five-carat had already shopped for her own ring. It had a price tag of RM76,000.

Whatever happened to true love? Whatever happened to it's the thought that counts?

Granted I adopt the saying that "if your father is poor, it's your fate but if your father in law is poor, then you're dumb" but to say that you think a guy is not for you because he has the audacity to buy you a ring cheaper than RM76,000? That's quite another.

I guess even true love comes with a price tag now.

If you're lying, you're lying.

2010-11-22T12:45:00.003+08:00

Lately I have this acquaintance who has gone all feminist/feminism crazy. Feminist enough to burn her bra (if she wore one). Exclaiming that her photos on FB are "raw and unedited" because she "will not bow to society's standard of perfection." And calling herself a "once borderline bigot/homophobes" now a newly converted lover of everybody under the rainbow.

I laughed out loud throughout her whole "metamorphosis" from the girl who called herself "anti-social" because "I don't allow people to search for me on FB" (and that is why she used to have only 70 friends) to this girl who randomly added people because it made her seem popular. By random I mean people she loudly declared she didn't even like. Adding girls in school who didn't even know her name or girls she once met at the mamak but didn't go over to say hi because "Why should I? What for? I don't even like her". I am sure she beams in excitement and pride whenever she adds someone who had a dash of "celebrity-ness" to them.

I find it very very sad.

Sad because deep down inside, I know that this is not the true her.

If she were indeed a feminist, she would not accept money from a man to pay for her daily expenses. If she were indeed such a defender of women rights, she would not have been unemployed since she graduated and relied on sleeping with a man for her money. Sure, she denies she is a gold digger, in fact she said "I am insulted that you think I am" when you mention that word, but does not hesitate to ask the guy she's sleeping with for money to travel the world, or buy her expensive shoes and bags and pay for her expensive habits.

Feminist? It's f**king Bullshit.

A feminist doesn't find the need to put up a fake accent every time she speaks to a foreigner.

Why can't she just be her?

The thing is, I have been telling my friends about her. But have been labeled the 'bitch' for not giving her a second chance to be a friend. But two days ago, she was a no show at a friend's wedding and made no attempt to apologise for her. Finally everybody sees her true colours. I want to yell "I TOLD YOU SO" to all of them, but shall refrain. Because her actions will speak for itself.

We are no longer "cool" enough for the reformed feminist. We are not "glamorous" enough for this defender of human rights. We are just plain people who used to throw her birthday parties, held her hand when she cried, gave her a shoulder to lay her head when she needed one, gave her a place to stay when she didn't have one, suffered her moods and was a friend to her when all the world turned against her.

How boring.

We're just plain ol' boring people.

Here's hoping Ms. Reformed Feminist will put up her show long enough for her new friends to actually know the real her and love her for who she is. And not for who she pretends to be.

Lying can never save us from another lie. - Vaclav Havel

If you're lying, you're lying. - John C. Maxwell

How the Tin Man found his heart

2010-10-27T11:14:00.002+08:00

Two days ago I asked the bf " Hey, how's G doing?"

He said he had not heard from him for a long time. The last they met, he was attending religious classes to convert into Islam - in preparation for marriage. That he was in love and was ready to do that for his future bride to be.

And yesterday as I was bawling my eyes out watching "Hachiko", I turned to the bf and called him the tin man from the Wizard of Oz. He looked amused as I said " you have no heart! You never cry at sad movies!"

This morning he heard G passed away in a traffic accident. And to quote the Tin Man.

"Now I know I've got a heart... 'Cause it's breaking."

He cried.

Status update: Engaged to so and so.

2010-10-26T15:31:00.004+08:00

So I recently got engaged. On August 29th 2010 to be exact.

I never knew telling someone you got engaged can be such big news to that person.
Upon saying yes and wearing the ring, I texted my sister and brother to inform them. (In my defence, I did not call them because I was in Bali and I am too cheapskate to spend money on roaming charges) Then I texted my bff in the US to tell her.

A week or two passed before I informed a few of my friends. And another month passed before some people noticed my ring and congratulated me. And until today, I have not really told anyone else that I am engaged unless they text me and say "Woman, do you have something to tell me?!" and I hesitantly say "I'm engaged?"

I'm not too sure it's because I am a intensely private person, or that I feel that details of how the bf/fiancee proposed its special between us. It's as if telling the story over and over again will make it lose its sparkle. I'm not sure. But I had NO IDEA so many people were interested in the HOW DID HE PROPOSE story. I mean, surely it's a he asked and I said yes thing. Why the need for details? I think people like to revel in the romanticism of it all. Who knows.

Ever since the engagement story "got out" (random acquaintances come up to me and say SO I heard...) the question I have been bombarded with is "When's the wedding?" WHEN? WHEN???

I have no idea when ok? Who has their wedding details all worked out two or three days/months after they got engaged? I'm not that psycho. I do not have a wedding book. I do not know what type of wedding I want. Does that make me weird? I guess it does. A friend bought her wedding gown one and a half years before her wedding.ONE and a half freaking years before. That's insane if you ask me.

So far, I only know what TYPE of dress I probably want. That's about it.

On a sidenote, upon finding out my engagement, a close friend has suddenly accelerated her wedding plans. Before I flew off to Bali, I've asked her about her plans and when she was thinking of getting hitched and was told "no plans yet. Earliest also end of next year."
When she found out I got engaged, she suddenly thought not only of the theme of the wedding and the place, she even brought the date forward by three months. I think this has something to do with a sms from the friend-I-cut-out-of-my-life texting said bride to be and saying "if you delay any further, she's going to cut ahead of you."

What is this? A bloody competition? She can win first prize. I'll settle for just qualifying by being engaged. Thanks.

Now, in case you think I dislike weddings, I have to say here, I absolutely LOVE weddings. I love helping out, I love attending them, I love looking at bridal photos, I absolutely love everything about it.

I just don't know anything about my own.

Partly because even though the bf/fiancee told me he had been planning the proposal for a year, I was totally taken by surprise when he asked.

Seriously did not see it coming.

I guess I will eventually have to come up with an answer to the question:-

"WHEN IS THE WEDDING?"

But just not now.

I earned a courage badge today.

2010-09-29T08:51:00.003+08:00

Ending relationships are never easy. Whether it be as friends or as lovers.

Even when I KNEW for a fact that the ex and I could no longer be together, it took me a year to end it. I knew I no longer missed him when we were apart. I knew he was no longer the first person I share everything with. I knew I could not see myself walking down the aisle with him. What more have kids and a family with him. I knew. Yet I did not have the courage to end it.

And after a year (out of the total of 7 years) passed, I finally did. Even then it took me a whole few weeks going back and forth trying to decide for sure I was doing the right thing. After all, if you know someone no longer features in your long term plans, why hold on? I should set him free.

And set him free I did. And now he's happily married with a baby in tow.

When you let go of someone, is it a favour to that person? Are we truly doing that person a favour for not holding on/back to him or her finding a person meant for them?

I have always seen it that way.

I tell the bf, if you ever find yourself falling in love with another, please tell me because I will let you go. I will let you go not because I have no fight in me, but because if you no longer love me, why would I want you anymore? And if you find that someone else is better for you, why would I stand in your way? And stop myself from finding a person who will love me for who I am?

As said in the previous post yesterday, I severed a friendship. A friendship of 16 years. We often read in magazines about the breakup of friendships but never really thought it would happen to us. It does. And it's never easy and it's a lie to say I am not hurt.

It is also never easy to make others understand why there is a need to end the friendship. In fact I was attacked on many fronts for being the bitch in the situation. But the bf tells me "you know best." and I truly do. It hurts to know you treat someone as a good friend and she treats you as an acquaintance. It hurts to know I'd do anything for her, but she places me last in her priority. It's heartbreaking to say the least. And as I grow older and hopefully wiser, I learn to tolerate less. I learn to appreciate my own worth. It's a continuous learning process but I'll get there eventually.

I move on to better things.

Saturn conjunction Saturn: Pruning your life

2010-09-28T14:40:00.003+08:00

I have always been a lover of astrology. And I chanced upon this website sometime last year in which you put in details of your name, DOB and time and place of birth and it'll give you a reading. For me, the reading is quite accurate of my personality. Whether we are believers of not, it's quite fun.

Earlier today, I wrote an email to a friend. A friend whom I have decided to cut off from my life because I no longer wanted to be in her back up troupe. While I was contemplating the decision to send the email to her, I found myself reading this on my astro.com page.

"Saturn conjunction Saturn: Pruning your life Mid October 2010 until end of July 2011:

This is one of the most important times in your life. A major cycle of experience is closing, and great changes are about to take place. How great these changes are depends largely on what you have been doing with your life over the past several years. Have you been living as you feel you should or as you think others want you to? If you have been doing the latter, this influence will have a greater impact. This influence occurs about every twenty-nine years. The first such influence occurs now that you are about twenty-nine. Last year, many aspects of your life have begun to change. Relationships may have changed, and you may have changed your residence or your job; you have been dominated by an urgent feeling that if you don't do everything you have always wanted to do, you will never have another chance. And now, at about twenty-nine, you will feel that a substantial portion of your life has passed and that you had better get on with making it all work. If your relationship is unsatisfactory but you have been making the best of it, you will examine that relationship even more thoroughly now and may decide to end it. Certainly you will have to change it substantially. The same is true of any other aspect of your life that you have tolerated but not found very rewarding. Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life. This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. If you have been doing what you should in previous years, this influence will simply mark a time of solidification and the beginning of new phases of activity."

So I think I have made the right decision. Even the stars are telling me so! :)

There is a God!

2010-08-25T12:06:00.003+08:00

I passed those 6 damned papers.

There is a God.

Now, I have 10 more to go.

On a separate note, I am sitting in the office now and I swear I smell onions.

Now, I am not too sure if this whiff of onions is coming from the restaurant next door, or my receptionist seriously needs a bath.

How do you tell someone that they smell? When I was with the ex, he had a friend, let's name him T. And one fine day, we swung by T's house to pick him up. As soon as he entered the car, the ex yelled "F**K T! You smell like shit!"

Now, I myself am known to be very direct. My philosophy with friends is simple, if you don't like what I have to say, don't ask me.

Because you won't like what I have to say. And if you want me to say what you want to hear, then you've come to the wrong place.

I am the type of girl who will tell the lady at Dave's Deli "Doesn't service come with a smile?"

And when the lift chocked full with people from the 10 floors it passed,opens its doors at the first floor, and this one lady tries to squeeze in, I yell " TAK BOLEH AMBIL TANGGA KE? SATU TINGKAT SAJA!"

And when I have to tip toe around this group of aunties standing right at the base of the elevator, I say "Hello! Tak ada tempat lain untuk berdiri ka?!"

But I still have not summoned enough courage to tell someone

"F**K YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT!"

Can I have the cake, and eat it too?

2010-08-24T17:13:00.003+08:00

What's one of the worst things when it comes to dating a pilot?

You spend many days without him. (but your friends somehow still give you shit for spending too much time with him - even though the days they ask you out are the days he happens to not be flying.)

And you may possibly have to spend your birthday alone too.

Cheh.

Time to change bf. Change to one who is a 9-5 job holder la.

Then again, if I see him every day I may go crazy.

.....

Us women, can't make up our minds.

Just like how I can't make up my mind about the blog layout, as you can see.

It's official. I am not from China.

2010-08-05T09:56:00.003+08:00

Scene: Uptown Reflexology Centre
Present: Chinese citizen massage therapist, Malaysian massage therapist, the bf and myself.

Chinese man: *speaks in Mandarin* Oh your bf is a pilot? You must be a stewardess then.
Me: Err, no I am not.
Chinese man: *puzzled* Why doesn't he speak Chinese?
Me: Err... Cos he's not Chinese?
Chinese man: *puzzled*
Me: Well, most people say I look like I am from China. You will know best since you're from China. Do I look like I come from China?
Chinese man: He *points towards the bf* looks more Chinese than you.

-_-

Can I ask you something personal?

2010-08-04T10:57:00.000+08:00

Yesterday someone asked me if my parents were getting a divorce.

Then she followed it up with whether my mum was slapped by someone's wife.

I laughed when she asked that and she sternly told me it was a serious matter.

So I asked her why. After all, it was not true.

She then swiftly asks me "How you know it's not true?"

WTF?
(This is essentially the problem of coming from a small town. Everybody wants to have their share of goss.)

Seriously, if my parents were divorced, I think I'd be the first few to know. The other few being my siblings.

And secondly, why should I have to explain whether my parents are divorced or not, or whether my mother's face met with someone else's palm when these are nothing but nasty untrue rumours?

Sheesh, but on a side note.... DAMN my parents are scandalous.

Well you know what they say, you are a nobody till somebody talks about you.

Right?

I myself have been at the receiving end of nasty rumours. But the best has to be that while I was in boarding school, it was rumoured that I hid my bf in the room.

The small cubicle that is our room could fit a single mattress, a small study table and a two door cupboard, but somehow, I could cram an Indian bf into that small space of mine. (HAH! Take that for maximizing space!)

Then there is the I broke up the Bf's previous relationship.

That I am dating a lawyer. (God forbid)

That I am lesbian. (and I don't know about it...yet)

After breaking up with the ex, I cried and wanted to crawl back to him.

That I was easy and had a big welcome sign between my legs.

That I hate lawyers.

Oh wait, the last one is true.

So, if you've ever been on the receiving end of nasty rumours, the best thing one can do is to merely laugh it off. After all, someone somewhere out there actually took time to think of you, and make up a story about you.

Makes me proud to be thought of.

Hey you, I think your hubby is gay.

2010-08-02T09:54:00.003+08:00

I have a friend who just recently got married.

I suspect her new hubby is gay.

Is this one of those things you tell to your friend's face? Or you keep it to yourself and hope beyond hope that you're wrong?

I do not believe one should get married just because "we've been together for so long."
"or why not? after all, it's time that I got married."

Either way. We had a major falling out last year and now we're more of a hi bye kinda friend.

I didn't RSVP to her wedding in another country because I felt that the invite could have been done better.For me, if you're going to have a wedding in another country, the least you could do is provide some info on where I can get accommodation, how long I should stay, where the wedding is and whether there are cheap flights over there.

Instead it was, you coming? full stop.

So, no I didn't go.

And my congratulations message to her on her Facebook, unlike others where she excitedly yells THANKS! I FEEL GREAT! You guys are great! Thanks Thanks THANKS!

I got a very curt... Thanks.

I guess as you grow older, friends drift apart. We may not agree with their choices, but we accept them. I accept that she married this man because she thought she should since they have been together forever. He is her first, she is his first. So it was a simple 1 + 1 = 2 situation for her.

I think she deserves better.

When I was with the ex, she was the type who would make scathing comments in reply to my statements.

I would laugh and say "I complained I had a back ache and somehow I ended up giving him a leg massage. Haha."

And she would say "Well, you're stupid then. Who asked you to allow yourself to be in that situation."

Or if I make a complaint about the ex, she would jump in to remind me how dumb I was to stick around.

I bit my tongue from yelling in retaliation that her then bf and now hubby may be gay.

Growing older, I learn to bite my tongue and hold my thoughts.

But in addition to biting my tongue and keeping my thoughts to myself, I also learn that some friends in life you can do without.

But, anyway,

Dear Y, congratulations on your marriage. I hope you're happy with W. (and I hope he isn't gay). I know you never liked the ex, and I am glad I walked away from a 7 yr relationship to find happiness and fulfillment. I am glad you made scathing remarks about my then relationship but I am sad you cannot see the flaw in yours. I know you have long crossed me out of your list of friends, but if the friends you put on your priority list now are truly friends, they will tell you that they have the same fears about this man as I do. They will tell you to sit back and think and not to rush into this marriage. But heck, you wouldn't listen anyway right?

I hope you're happy. Not only now when you're basking in the glow of a wedding. I hope you're happy when you realise you're now in a marriage with a man who let you go (after 5 years being together) over a weekend where his mum came over to visit and planted some doubts in his head and took you back when she left.

Congratulations.

Is single, in a relationship, engaged, its complicated.

2010-07-06T17:10:00.004+08:00

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but every blog that I have stumbled upon has at least one post where they say they love their boyfriends to bits. Sure, the grammar will send an English teacher nuts enough to yank out all her hair, but essentially the message is the same. They love their BFs.

There is the ones who make a poem out of how their BFs love them for who they are, that they know their tastes in ice cream, her favourite colour, her favourite designer, her favourite everything down to the very pore of her body. It never rhymes those poems, but hey it's the I love yous that count in that rhyme-less, stanza-less, whatevernot you need in a poem-less, that matters.

And there there are those blogs where 99% of the posts are filled with pictures of two sickly sick "in love" couple where they are sucking face all the time. (just in case you didn't know they are in love). And then down there right after your eyes have literally melted into a huge mess of plasma from the sheer amount of sucking face pictures, is the small little heart right between I and You.

Then there are those blogs where there are about 20 pictures of every morsel of food they put into their tummies, TOGETHER. Here's what he ate, here's what I ate, here's what he drank, here's what I drank, here's where we are. PICTURES! Here's what I wore and here's what he wore, and here's what he ate..wait, I said that already. PICTURES!

Oh and for all these blogs, they have a little ticker factory where it says "how many days and how many minits and how many nanosecond since the day *insert small heart* and I met/have been together/starting sucking face/ eating together/ whatnot.

I know. It's their blog. And they can put whatever they want about it. But is there really a need to tell everybody how much you love your boyfriend? And how long you guys have been together. Must everybody know who your boyfriend is? And what he does for you, all documented in detail?

What happened to privacy? And mystery ? What happened to keeping things between the two of you? Must we all find the need to click on Facebook " In a relationship" "engaged" "married to" and when you're back to "single" it's as if the Titanic sank just yesterday and everybody wants to know why. Like. right. now.

I don't know about the rest of you. But if people know I have a boyfriend, that's fine by me. But if they don't it's okay. I am not about to document it in detail. Besides, if I find the need to tell the whole world I have a boyfriend, I might as well tell the Boyfriend to pee all over me to mark his territory.

Can you please speak proper English?

2010-07-02T10:04:00.000+08:00

I always think that if you want to be in the service sector, your language has to meet the mark.

Hence if you decide you want to join an airlines and be a cabin crew, please for the love of god, know that there is no such thing as stuffS.
"Please ensure all your stuffS is secured in the overhead compartment."
It's stuff. Stuff is PLURAL. There is no need for a "S" after it.

And if you ask the FO to take a picture for you and you think it's not very clear, you don't say "Why brur brur wan?"
L is pronounced as L, it does not mean, just because you are chinese, you can automatically replace the pronunciation of the alphabet with a "R".

And for the love of all things kind and fluffy, if its a motor vehicle, it's not necessarily a motorBIKE/motorCYCLE. A motor vehicle is a vehicle with a motor. It's really not that hard.

Excuse me, would you like to be a model?

2010-06-25T10:39:00.004+08:00

In Tropicana City the other day, while I was coughing and sneezing and honking my nose into a piece of tissue, a guy came over to me and asked " Have you ever thought of modelling?"

If I weren't in that sad state of I-have-been-sick-for-two-fking-weeks, I would have doubled over in rambunctious laughter.
Reason for laughter is now carefully put in non alphabetical order:-

1) In Tyra Bank's words "Short girls have never grown up thinking they can be a model."; AND

2) I am not perasan.

Not to say that those who want to be a model ARE perasan cantik, but 90% of the time, they are.

Case in point:- (with no disrespect to Ms. Serene here)
but...REALLY? She really wants to be a model? Well anyway, whoever thinks she should win, should vote for her.

It is one thing to be on the streets and be spotted by a scout ala Kate Moss or Tengku Azura (ok, she wasn't on the streets, she was working in McD's but I say potato you say poytahtoh) but it's quite another to join a reality show called "I WANNA BE A MODEL" or something like that. I mean that usually means, you have to firstly think "GAWD I'M HOT" and secondly think "GAWD, THIS BODY IS ROCKING!" before you think " I SHOULD BE A MODEL!"

True?

That's just judgmental cynical me talking but unfortunately, I posses none of those perasan-ess to think I should try modelling.

The one time I did anything which can remotely be called "modelling" was back in college for a Redken hair show and I didn't get paid, and I did it as a favour for a friend and I ended up with copper coloured hair, which got the taxi man all worried when I stepped into his taxi cos he thought I was from China and I may have SARS.

So, back to the guy who approached me. I wiped my nose dry and told him "Oh, nah, I don't look good in photos."

To which he replied "oh but you will never know. I represent a talent agency and I think you should think about it. "

"Really? Can I have a card then?"
"Oh I don't have one. But here is my number, and give me a call if you change your mind."

So there was an exchange of numbers (the only way I could get rid of him and if he wants to convince me, it should be on his bill, no?) and ever since then, he has called me incessantly. Out of 10 times which he called me in 4 days, I missed all but one call.

"Oh you finally picked up!"
"Yes, I was in court and I can't talk on the phone when I am in court."
"oh, so you're a practising lawyer?" (stupid question this, if I weren't practising, why would I be in court?)
"Yes, I am a practising lawyer."
"I see, I was just wondering whether you would seriously consider modelling, or being in commercials, or etc,"
"Photoshop may have grown leaps and bounds, but I look so bad in photos, it really cannot help me much."
"Hahaha. I think you should consider it, maybe we can have a drink sometime to talk about it?"
"I think not. Either way, I am busy now. Even if you want to try to convince me, a phone call is sufficient."
"Ok sure. Btw, what law do you practise?"
"Criminal law."

And that my friend, was the last time I heard from persistent "talent scout" man.

Ahhhh, the great perks of being a criminal lawyer.

I am annoyed central.

2010-06-14T10:19:00.003+08:00

I AM ANNOYED.

Annoyed that the flu which I contracted last Wednesday has not only stayed on but has decided that today's the day to go all out/full blown.

Annoyed that in addition to the damned flu, I have a fever.

Annoyed that my left eye has been twitching for a whole damned week.

Annoyed that in this sad sick state that I am in, I have to travel to God-forsaken-forever-jammed-up Klang with a client, but I cannot contact her to confirm the time. Hence I cannot go and see a doctor until she picks up the damned phone when I call or returns my calls to confirm what time she is ready to leave.

Annoyed that it took me a whole four hours to get back from my hometown yesterday because of the unusually heavy traffic which until today I cannot for the life of me figure out why!

Annoyed that my receptionist can do the same thing over and over again for the past 5 years, but still finds the need to WAIT for me to instruct her to do it before she gets it done.

Annoyed with drivers who are so obviously lousy, they should walk to wherever they want to go , who insist on driving on the fast lane and hogging the damn road when OTHER PEOPLE HAVE THINGS TO DO IN THEIR LIVES YOU KNOW? &^%$#*&@#$

Annoyed with people who press the lift up AND down because they are too fking kiasu and cannot wait for the lift and must ensure they get in the lift in the FASTEST possible time, only to have us stop at different floors FOR NOTHING.

Annoyed with people who make small talk in the lift, but find the need to shout it out loud. "WAH SO LATE TODAY? YEAH I CAME BACK LAST NIGHT AT 9 SOMETHING! YEAH I SAID 9 SOMETHING!!!!"

I am SO BLOODY ANNOYED.

You're not a friend.

2010-06-09T08:50:00.004+08:00

Over MSN the other day I told a friend that "I think J and I are no longer friends."

He prodded for the cause of that statement and I just told him it was because we're now nothing but acquaintances.

Of course to many out there, friends and acquaintances are terms which are interchangeable. But truly they are not.

I once received a card from an ex's current gf, written in it was :-

" Happy to be an acquaintance! followed by XOXO, Kristy."

If that's not weird enough, about a week prior to that card, she had called me asking for information on the ex.

"Tell me about him."
"He's YOUR boyfriend, you can ask HIM what you need to know about him, no?"
"Yeah, but I want to hear it from you."

Can someone please say psycho.

After that card, I never heard from her again.

See? Those are things that acquaintances say. Those are things that you never expect your friend to do. Not to you anyway.

So when this friend of mine told me:-

"I didn't get you a birthday present because I thought I would seem like a hypocrite for giving you a kick ass gift when below the surface, we're no longer such great friends."
(If you ever need a reason NOT to buy your friend a gift for his/her birthday, this would be it.)

I figured, we are nothing but acquaintances now.

Funny thing is, I don't really care. And it feels liberating.

When I was a young warthog!

2010-05-27T14:03:00.004+08:00

I remember my childhood quite vividly.

There were bike rides. And on my very first bike ride, dad taught me how to balance on the bike and go straight but omitted to teach me how to turn the bike without falling off, or where the heck the brakes were. Which in turn resulted in me going head first into the ditch because, out of sheer panic, I could not figure out the brakes nor know how to avoid the ditch.

Being on the skateboard because it was newly introduced then. As I could not balance on the skateboard, I sat on it while my cousin pushed me. And as usual, in panic, I put my feet down which (again) resulted in me going head and face first on the asphalt and having two scars above my lip today to remind me of that fateful day where my dad almost choked my cousin to death because he didn't watch out for me.

Going skating in the park because it was a great activity then. And having a huge bug fly into my eye while I was skating which resulted in me having to go to school for a whole week with one eye the size of a ping pong ball.

Being thrown in the swimming pool to learn how to start paddling my feet to keep afloat and eventually learning to swim because in dad's words "you were too afraid to put your head under water."

There were little kiddie potluck parties thrown at home where we used Alpha Nuggets from KFC (remember those?!) and spelled out "Jo you Asshole" to show to the one friend who said she would turn up but did not. (we made two trips to KFC just to have enough alphabets to spell that. I still have the photo of our Alpha Nugget insult.

There were weird themes at parties where we tied our hair in two side ponytails because the Shampoo chicks (remember them?) were hot then. And where all three of us turned up in this partially blue and partially striped shorts which must have been quite the fashion then.

Then there were the trips down to the padang where we learned how to use the monkey bar, where we swung ourselves so high on the swings and attempt to jump off it. And we would hide in the those circular things and pretend it was our home. And then cycle until our lungs were about to explode to avoid the neighbourhood dogs who were hell bent on biting us.

What a great childhood.

I hope to give my children the same childhood that I have.

I look with pity on children living in the city of Kuala Lumpur where their Facebook/blogs are chocked filled with pictures of them clubbing, drinking,smoking, video games, reality TV and the latest gadgets. (just to name a few)

Whatever happened to the innocent, carefree, childhood that each child is entitled to?

A tale of the delusional male steward.

2010-05-25T11:41:00.004+08:00

During my exams, I visited a friend's mum who was admitted to IJN. She was scheduled to undergo bypass surgery the next day and while she was told she was in good hands, she was still jittery about it. After all, it's quite a feat these bypass surgeries. You open someone up and in its simplest explanation, you fix the person's heart and get it working again.

All you can say to doctors/surgeons who do that is..Wow. Nothing but wow.

So you see me gaping in awe when the surgeon walked in (much to the chagrin of the bf), in his scrubs with X-ray in hand to explain the surgery to his patient. "this artery is very clogged up, it's small so there is a risk..."

They save lives everyday. They give people second chances every day.

It must be great to know that everyday you wake up, you can help somebody in some way with your profession.

So, this little background brings me to what I want to tell you today.

I came across a blog run by a male steward. Now this guy in his latest posting brings tears (from pure unadulterated laughter) to my eyes.(I won't link him because obviously I have nothing nice to say about the post. And I prefer to gleefully and surreptitiously read the posts. )

So in this post, male steward (let's call him delusional male steward or "DMS") wrote about this SUPERGROUP of friends that he has. Let me quote :

"They rule the social order. They determine what is in and what is not. Rival groups were formed and were aptly called The Rejects by them. Rival groups did their best to try and become the hottest thing on the block but failed miserably."

And he continues:-

"... even if the whole world turned against this supergroup, they wouldn't mind cos they have each other and they have their looks and they have their talents. This supergroup will survive." (emphasis added)

Sorry, but I find this quite delusional. Firstly, with no disrespect to cabin crew, he is but a male steward. And the people in his so called supergroup are stewards/stewardesses. Sure, nobody said these jobs are easy but to think so highly of yourself? Surely there is an element of denial there.

People are out there saving lives, fighting wars, helping the underprivileged, feeding the poor, fighting crime, being presidents, running countries and etc, but here you have DMS talking about his looks and his talents, and sitting around laughing at "rejects"?

Isn't it ironic that he travels the world, but has such a skewed narrow vision of the world? And how it revolves around his looks and his talents? By talent, he means throwing "hot parties" and by looks he means possibly being the face of the airline(once upon a time).

I don't know about the rest of you. But it has never been my ambition to be known for my looks. or my talents (if I have either of it) . And it has never been my lifelong desire to look down upon others based on their looks or talents and to deem myself above the rest because of things which we are blessed with. Looks and talents are things which we are blessed with. If someone is beautiful, she's blessed. It's not something we brag about. It's not something we use to look down on others. I don't wake up in the morning and say "DAYMN is that a hottie or what?" To me, an accomplishment worth smiling about is when I do a good job in court. Or when I am able to help someone avoid the death sentence. Or imprisonment. Those things last.

If you are out there, fighting social ills, being involved in NGOs, caring for orphans, feeding the underprivileged, saving lives, then....those are things which we can be "proud" of. Making good use of our lives for the betterment of others.

Yes, yes, I am sure many of you are thinking, he is entitled to write whatever he wants on his blog. Yes, of course, but I equally have the right to comment on it. And I think its delusional, vain and quite sad really to have to justify one's nastiness in looking down on others as an appreciation of his looks and talents.

I sure hope one day when he is old and much too creaky to throw hot parties, his 4 supergroup buddies will support him and constantly tell him he is good looking and talented. And that one day he wakes up and realises, that there are PLENTY of people out there prettier and more talented than his supergroup. (and hence why they have been replaced as the face of the airline) and that there are plenty of people out there who are beautiful, talented and SMART and find no need to tell others that they are so.

Such is the tale of the delusional male steward.

When I no longer feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing.

2010-05-17T15:55:00.000+08:00

I'M ALIVE! I'M ALIVE!

The bf asked me in the car on the way to the exam centre:-

"Are you aiming to pass or to pass with flying colours?"

I replied,"I usually aim to do well. But I think this time, I have to keep my fingers crossed that I'm going to pass."

It's not that I am a negative person, or I didn't study hard enough for the papers (I have been studying for four months) but it's because I am never one of those people who are lucky. I never go "phew! Thank God the only chapter I studied was the one that came out in the exam paper!"
But I am always the one who " Shiat. I didn't cover that topic and that's what came out."
Never. Never been lucky. The ONLY time I manage to win something at a lucky draw was when they had gifts for each and everyone present.

So, yeah. All the questions which I had for this year's paper, was way different from the ones they have been repeating for the past three years. But that's just my luck.

And to add to my great fortune, my car got rear ended the week before my exam. I think that would make it the fourth time in a year?

Serves me right for buying over the car from an ex.

I texted the bf when I got hit and he panicked.Petrified that I was driving alone and may be beaten up, raped or kidnapped. (In no particular order)

Well, he should know better that I am no ordinary girl. I am the type who would stand in front of the motorbike that hit my car and demand that he gives me his IC. I am also the one who will pull the biker's tshirt and try to yank him off the bike. And yes, I am also the type who will kick his bike when he tried to get away.

And I am also the type who tell the police lady sitting at the police office in MidValley that "yea, saya memang lebih pandai dari you." when she yelled at me, insulting my profession. Do not be surprised to know I refused to budge from my seat when the policewoman shouted at me asking me to get out from the police station. I told her it was a public place and I can stay there as long as I want. And to make the story even better, she told me she has been in the force for 10 years and I told her " Wah, sudah 10 tahun dalam force masih kerja counter ambil report saja ah?"
Well, that full story is for another day.

But I guess I am just not the type who will quietly walk away. Or suffer fools.

Now that I think of it, maybe THAT'S why the bf is worried I may one day end up dead for "defending" myself.

Oh well.

At least I survived my exams! For those who are in possession of toes and fingers, kindly cross them for me. I need to pass this exam!

Tips to knowing your neighbours

2010-04-14T08:57:00.003+08:00

Tips to getting to know your neighbours:-

Scene 1:

Man: What is your name?

Me: It's "insert name".
Man: Oh, I am Rama.
Me: Hello, Ra-
Man : DOCTOR RAMA.
Me: Oh, Doc-
Man: COS I HAVE A PHD.
Me: Ah.
Man: Permanent Head Damage. Hahaha. You know? PHD? Hahaha. Not but seriously, I have a PHD.

-_-

Tip No.1 : If he or she is not a close friend, or a family member, lame jokes are not to be told hoping to solicit laughter from the other person. Because however you say it, its.not.funny. Your friends/family laugh because they have no choice.

Tip No.2 : Unless specifically asked, do not reveal your Title. Whether it be Doctor, Datuk or otherwise. Because, it was NOT asked. And frankly, nobody cares.

Tip No.3: If you cannot understand tip no 1 and 2, just stand silently in the lift.

Scene 2:

I get into the lift and press "10".

Man: Wah, you live on the 10th floor?
Me: Yeah.
Man: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Me: ??
Man: HAHAHAHAH. You WALKED ten floors UP when the lift was not working? HAHAH. TEN FLOORS! TEN FLOORS!!
Me: Yes, that is what I did.
Man: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

I swear I saw tears coming out of his eyes.

Tip No.1: SHUT UP.
Tip No.2: Follow tip No.1

On a separate note: This blog is going on a hiatus until May 15th. Possibly longer. Depending on whether I survive the exams and if I do survive, I cannot guarantee how long it will take for me to recover from the shock.

Drunktards

2010-04-01T15:36:00.005+08:00

Yesterday while I was in Seremban for hearing, the bf called to say that the security guard at my apartment called him. Apparently his car which was parked at my parking spot (he had given me a lift to work with my car) was hit by a drunk driver. (imagine that! In the parking of an apartment building!)

This is a picture of the drunktard's (drunk retard) car. Mind you, this is merely one side of the damage. It was just as bad the other side.

Now this is not a young girl who had one drink too many and was too immature to realise that she should not drive. This was a woman in her 40s, with three young children. That just goes to show, age is not a sign of maturity( or logic apparently).

And just this morning, my cousin sent me this video:-

I think drunktards who insists on driving should just all be placed in a gas chamber.

Kill yourself it's okay.
Kill someone else, destroy another's property, cause inconvenience to others, you're nothing but rubbish to our society.

If you go to court and you get convicted, who pays for your stay there? Responsible tax paying citizens.

How shitty is that?

Call me shallow, but I prefer him good looking. Thankyouverymuch.

2010-03-26T11:03:00.004+08:00

Sitting in Chawan the other day, a friend lamented that she craved and missed her single life.

Now, this is the same girl who whined when the rest of us paired up with another and said that she too "wanted a boyfriend" and that she disliked "being lonely."

And when this girl found someone whom all of us thought and still think is funny, good looking, charming and smart, she is beginning to run the opposite direction after 9 months with this man.

"He is too clingy." "He doesn't even give me time to miss him" "He expects too much from me"
and the one that caps the list is, "He is getting too fat. I don't like it."

Before we hear a chorus of men saying how shallow she is, let me just say, we are all entitled to have or desire certain physical attributes in our partners. After all, if every morning you wake up, turn over and see your partner and think "HOLY MACARONI WHAT THE- oh, its you." - it probably isn't a good thing.

So we are entitled to like our men/women, tall, thin, flawless, well endowed (ahem ahem) , handsome, beautiful or have white teeth, perfect smile, 10 fingers and toes and etc.

Does it make us shallow to want a partner who is fit and good looking? I would vote "No." And does it also make us shallow if we begin to resent/dislike the fact that our partner has begun to "let her/himself go?" and grown an additional layer of fat around the tummy, or a pinch worthy flap or flesh on the arms?(it can go the other way too, if you liked your partner with curves and she begins to lose it) I would say no either. After all, as much as we like to deny, physical attraction plays a very large part in a relationship.

When we first meet someone, it's bullshit to say "OH MY WHAT A BIG HEART SHE HAS!" It's definitely going to be "Nice Ass, or Whoa, check out those legs and Oh, great great smile! and of course there is the customary GREAT RACK!"

So one can only hope beyond hope that those things are maintained well within the controls of the person of course. (After all, the enemy of a great rack/nice ass is gravity but that is another story altogether) And that between the great heart, smart and intellectual, kind and considerate, there is a possibility that we do not run the risk of being embarrassed to show off our partners in public.

It's a shame I know that us humans are called "shallow" for wanting or desiring our partners to look a certain way. But it is just how our DNA works. We are BORN that way. We are BORN desiring our partners to look a certain way. Why is it that I find a great smile irresistible? I can't really explain it. Can you? It's not because my parents have horrid smiles and that's why I go the direct opposite. Or that because as a child I watched too many Darlie ads with perfect teeth and perfect smile.

I just do.

To me, being shallow is knowing beyond everything that a partner is inconsiderate, disrespectful of women, conceited, rude, ill mannered, proud, narcissistic, possessive, stingy and generally a bad list of "things not to have" rolled into one, BUT is RICH and choosing to be with that person because he doesn't have anything good, but has a fortune to splash about on you.

Now, THAT is shallow.

It's almost midnight, let's go to the swings.

2010-03-08T10:17:00.004+08:00

Sitting on the swings at 11.30pm and daring the bf to give me 7 chin ups at the side bar of the swings.

He laughs and gives me 10.

I fail miserably when I try, citing "I AM A GIRL!" and "I HAVE WEAK TRICEPS!"

I dare him to give me 10 leg ups.

He tries one and fails. I laugh. I didn't attempt any cos I know I wouldn't be able do it.

I give him a mighty push on the swing and he almost topples over. I laugh. He rushes over to my side and gives me a major push which is more like a grab and tickle trick and almost caused me to fall off the swing.

He laughs at me when I fall asleep in the cinema. (It's part of the "you know you're growing old when...")

I laugh when he gets the occasional cough but he dramatizes every cough like it's the end of the world.

He laughs at me when I frown in the lift because he knows I am unhappy with somebody in the lift.

I laugh when he tries to impersonate my frown.

Laugh. It's such a funny word the more you look at it.

I guess that's what keeps people together.

Yes I'm bossy, You've got a problem with that?

2010-02-22T12:50:00.005+08:00

What is it about being bossy that people hate?

I'm bossy, but I am not apologetic about it.

Theoretically, if you're sitting in a friend's car and her windshield wipers are screeching, going left, going right, going left going right on a DRY surface, it is logical to yell "FOR GOD'S SAKE, can you stop the damn screeching windshield wiper already?!"

Or, do as I do. I just reach over and turn the damn thing off. Because:-

(i) it is ANNOYING AS HELL to have the wiper screeching on a dry surface.
(ii) repeat above.

Or if your friends get together and sit for hours on end deciding what to eat, where to go, what to do, it is logical to say " Hey, why don't the one who just got back from the US decide what to eat/where to go/what to do?"

Or do as I do. Say "bloody hell. Let's just go here. Do this. And eat there." Saves everybody's time doesn't it?

If friends complain that they never get to see me on my gym days because I am selfish and I allegedly DEMAND that everyone meets after gym, then too bad. I go to the gym because I like it. If you want to meet me, that's the time to meet me. I do not mind slotting myself in your schedule.So I don't see why you cannot do the same for me.

If friends come to me and seek advice, I tell them exactly what I think. I do not sugar coat my words because friends should be there to tell you the truth. If you cannot handle the truth, please go ask someone else. If you want me to listen to your problems, I can of course. I won't judge you if you decide to sleep with a married man, live like a slob, have no career, marry the wrong man, etc, but if you ask me for MY opinion, I'm going to give it to your straight.

Because if you do not like what I have to say, you should know better than to ask me.
Don't say " why do you have to say that? Why can't you just be supportive?"

Of course I am supportive. But it doesn't mean I agree to what you're doing. It is perfectly alright (in my books) to say "I think what you're doing is beyond stupid, but if you need anything, you know where to get me."

If someone hits your friend's car, it is perfectly alright to go up to the drunk driver and say "Look idiot, you're drunk. Pay me, and we will go our own separate ways." That is the only way she got compensated isn't it? If I were a fraction less bossy, she would have had to pay for the damages herself.

If a lawyer tries to cheat me on my loan documents, it's perfectly normal to write a letter to the bank as their customer to give them a heads up on this lousy lawyer. And it is perfectly alright to tell him "I'm sorry but I do not know why you're shouting like an uneducated man when you call yourself a lawyer" while he yells his lungs out at me over the phone. It got him to slash the bill by RM600 (which he tried to con me into paying him).

So friends laugh when they say I am bossy. They make fun of me. But I do not apologise for being the way I am.

Being bossy got me where I am. I didn't lie, cheat, betray people or sleep my way to where I am.

And I think there's nothing to be ashamed about that.

So I am bossy. Live with it. Or get out of the way.

emetaphobia

2010-02-11T11:50:00.004+08:00

You know your guy is for keeps when, after this horror of a drinkthe birthday girl, who happens to be a really good friend of mine, throws up into a bucket, he

(i) Holds her hair;
(ii) strokes her back;
(iii) pays the waiter some cash as a "I am so sorry you've to clean that up" gesture,

....while I was sitting at the furthest possible seat available from the scene of the barfing.

In my defence, I am emetaphobic.

So to all and sundry, I will not hold your hair when you're barfing, I will not hold the barf bucket, I will not stroke your back, I will not cheer you on. I will not.

What I WILL be doing is, I will be hiding behind the big pillar waiting for you to finish. Then I will wait for you to clean up. Then I will ensure you are all thrown up(ed) before I return to anywhere near you. Then I will refuse to take you home in my car.

What? I'm a really good friend ok.

Really.

Just not when you're barfing.

Goodbyes are forever.

2010-02-10T15:43:00.003+08:00

Death is inevitable.

We are never quite prepared for death. We get a phone call to say " She's in the hospital." and the next call says " She left us." And left us she did in August 2008.
I saw for the first time my uncle and cousins shed tears. And I stand there in remorse, wishing I had spent more time with her. I watched as my mother struggled to cope with her sudden death. And until today, she sheds tears as she reminisce the days we sat around her living room, taking in her infectious laughter, her great humour, her incredible intelligence and her breathtaking charisma.

In 2009,

I lost my cousin. Details as to the cause of the accident will remain unknown. Many have made callous remarks about the accident. But the fact remains that his wife and children will now have to learn to live without him. At the funeral, I am reminded that "A parent should never have to bury his child." But such is life. Death comes a knocking when we least expect it.

2010 greeted me with news that the ex's mum has cancer. This time around, it has spread to her bronchial areas. I feel a pang of guilt. She tells me he's devastated but she is coping well. I tell the BF, I will visit her as some regrets can never be made right. And if anything were to go wrong for her, I will never forgive myself for not taking time off to see her.

In 2010, I have made no resolutions. In truth, I never had.

After all they say, eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

And when I die, I hope my parents know I love them, my siblings know I will never trade them for the world, my friends understand I appreciate them and the BF remembers he is my soulmate.

I guess, that is my 2010 resolution.

Please adopt me!

2010-02-08T15:13:00.003+08:00

Puppy up for adoption.

(Hand/arms holding up puppy not part of adoption package.)

We're just not meant to understand everything

2010-02-03T17:00:00.003+08:00

I will never understand

... girls who say "Missing baby/ I miss my baby/ Need my baby/ Any other variation of missing her baby " as their FB status.

... why some people almost run you off the road while overtaking when the traffic light right in front is red.

... farmville/cafe whatchamacallit/pet society /what not games on FB.

... why skinny guys feel the need to pile on the weights on their bars when they obviously cannot maintain the strength throughout the whole class at the group X class.

... guys doing BodyJam. Sorry, very wrong.

... people who go off on a holiday but have no pictures of any scenery, but millions of up close, self taken portrait of themselves in different poses.

... the Japanese kawaii look and uncute Malaysians trying to imitate it.

... people who TYPE words such as *bluek* *nom nom nom*. They are sounds. For children below the age of 12. or 8.

... OBC.(and OBC-ians)

... Jonas Brothers. They don't sing. They make squelching, constipated noises.

... children in bikinis. Children in magazines in bikinis. Children wearing skimpy clothes. Children wearing skimpy clothes in brochures.

... people who take forever in a dressing room, only to come out in a towel and two pieces of clothing in their hands.

... people who shave their legs in the gym shower and leave hair not only on the ground, but on the walls as well.

.. people who have BO so bad I can smell it over the shower.

.. the Chinabeng who dances to no music and with floppy hair outside the gym studio. Alone. In front of the mirror.

... why the Paddington pancake house cannot provide me with iced cold water, but are able to give me a glass of warm water and a glass of ice.

... why the lady at the Maxis payment counter refused to let me make payment until I got a number, even though the whole place was deserted.

PA: I am NOT FROM CHINA.

2010-01-27T10:30:00.003+08:00

What?

You cannot be fair and Chinese and not be from China issit?

While some people get the odd encounter of having someone assume they are from a different country, I get the USUAL, HAPPENS EVERYDAY, WASH RINSE REPEAT, *speaks Mandarin* because they assume I am from China encounters.

Not a day passes without someone speaking to me in Mandarin. In the lift, at the roadside, in court( Chinese lawyers practise here meh??) in restaurants, in coffee shops, shopping complexes, cinemas, you name it, it happens.

EVERY-DAMN-WHERE.

In fact, when SARS was the scare of the moment a few years back, I bundled into a taxi after a long day in college. The taxi driver covers his nose and mouth with his hand and says (in Mandarin of course) "Are you from China?" to which I replied "Saya orang Malaysia la."
He then removes his hand and goes (in Mandarin) " oh, I thought if you're from China, I want to wear my mask. Scared you got SARS."

Sure, my eyes are sepet. And my skin may border on being translucent. That does not make me automatically a citizen of PRC. Or that I can spew Mandarin because its my mother tongue.

It has become almost impossible to tell people I do not speak Mandarin. They gape their mouths in awe. They round their eyes in surprise.

When I was younger I get gems like this "Are you mixed?" (Because apparently it's a crime to be born a Malaysian Chinese and be fair and not have gwailo blood infused somewhere)

"Are you Swedish?" (apparently many Swedish people look a tad Chinese)

But the best one I got was "Are you Chindian?"

*_*

Seriously.

I'm this close to bitch slapping and round house kicking (Chuck Norris style) anyone who comes to me and starts their conversation with "siao jie.."

My little girl named Thi Do.

2010-01-22T13:16:00.004+08:00

It's not that I do not care about the Haitians. Or those affected by the Tsunami. Or those of them in Mauritius.

But those are usually just natural disasters and one off. Malaysians rush to pour aid to those countries when disaster strikes. After that, they forget. They forget that the people there still need continuous aid to get along. After a one off donation to say, the tsunami survivors, they go along with their lives and forget about those survivors.

So, as terrible as it may sound. I usually do not donate to these one off aid funds. Because 90% of the time, I do not KNOW whether the money gets to them.

I have a weird sense when it comes to charity.

I do not give to beggars who are not in any way maimed or disabled. Two arms? Check. Two legs? Check. 10 fingers and toes? Check. Got all your five senses? Check. You can get a job.
Beggars who lug around their children? I abhor those even more. If you cannot afford to take care of yourself, please do not bring a child into this world. And after you selfishly did, you bring her out to BEG? as a sympathy card? I don't even know what to say to that. But you sure as hell won't be getting any money from me.

When it comes to blind men/women who sell tissues? Oh, those are my favourite. They are disabled but instead of begging, they are selling something. I give them one RM and take only one packet. Most of them will say "cik, ambil dua paket!" (bless their honest souls!) but I always refuse. At least they are making a living whichever way they can. They are not asking for your money, they are earning your money.

I do not donate to MAKNA because I feel that many already do. Not that I do not feel strongly for cancer patients, but I feel that MAKNA is so publicised and well marketed, many people donate to them. I chose to give my money to the National Kidney Foundation. I like it because they not only help the patients with their dialysis bills, they also help them start up their own businesses. Making them self sufficient not to need to rely on charity anymore. I like that.

And just today I received a package from World Vision. I have decided to sponsor a child and the little girl of 5 whom I am sponsoring hails from Tua Chua Vietnam and her name is Giang Thi Do. For as little as MYR50, I can help make her life better and give her a brighter future. So I shall just give up those expensive eateries every once in a while, pocket that MYR50 and let be it put to good use. I can keep sponsoring her until she finishes school. And then it's up to me whether I choose to continue with another child or not.

I don't know about others, but doing charity without ensuring I can have my tax reduced or to be part of the "happening" group giving to the current charities, donning a ribbon, being out on magazines supporting the charity or just to be known to be charitable, but because I genuinely want to, is a really good feeling.

Scrap that.

It's fantastic.

Every once in awhile...

2010-01-20T12:36:00.002+08:00

you have to let those you love know that they're in your heart and your thoughts.

F**K you bootcamp elitist!

2010-01-19T10:59:00.001+08:00

You know what is more insulting than random people/friends thinking that I am not fit?

It's an overweight person, who smokes and drinks, who just joined the gym and did one week of bootcamp @ bootcamp.com.my and who says to my face "I think you better not come to the bring a friend session at bootcamp, because I will definitely have to do more workouts and suffer because you cannot hack it."

Now, I do not think I am the fittest person walking planet earth. I do not think I am better than anyone else. And I do not think I have enough muscles to choke Ms. Overweight to death without even exerting much energy, but I do think I am fit enough not to be looked down upon.

Sure, I do not deny the activites at bootcamp may be hard. The burpees, the grunts, the running, the flipping of tires, etc etc. And all these at the ungodly hour of 7am or 545am. And in the harsh environment of muddy fields, sun and wind.

Hey, if you think you are great because you did one hour of bootcamp for one week and you hadn't died, good on you. But please, refrain from saying I cannot hack it. Or that I "may think gym is good enough but once you are out there, you will suffer."

Yes, I may. But I think my 5 gym sessions a week of weights and cardio will ensure, after the first one or two days of suffering and adapting to the workout and environment, I will kick you ass so far, you won't even know what hit you.

So, F**K you bootcamp elitist.

A tale of pork and an idiot.

2010-01-13T15:21:00.003+08:00

At exactly 9am.

*buzz*

Sms reads " OHMYGAWD! TONIGHT I HAVE A COMPANY DINNER! PLEASE TELL ME PORK IS NOT CARBOHYDRATE!"

I reply.

"It's meat."

And I got "SO IT'S NOT CARBO RIGHT?"

*_*

Evil eye me not.

2010-01-05T15:03:00.002+08:00

Ever got an evil stare from someone you don't know?

I get it all the time.

Back when the BF and I were still friends, we partied together with his bunch of cabin crew friends. This one particular girl gave me the evil eye the whole night. I think her being the BF's ex's best friend was probably the motive behind the evil eye.

Anyway, I digress.

So now that I am dating a pilot who used to date a stewardess, I am always, and I repeat always given the evil eye by his colleagues. The you-left-the-ex-for-her? look. If I had a penny for every time it has happened, I would be filthy rich.

I am not too sure whether the stewardess give me a filthy evil look of "gosh, lookit me, I travel the world!" "oh, why are you so dowdy?" or "ugh. lawyer?".

Well guess what? You may travel the world, you may have luxury at your fingertips, you may make more money than me, and you may be more glamorous than I will ever be. But when your company screws you over, who do you turn to to help you out?

Me.

Me who wrote to your company to ask them to remind them about your legal rights. Me who wrote in to fight for your right to work. Me who threatened the company with legal action if they continue with the screw employee over tactics.

Me.

Remember that the next time you give me the evil eye. I may not look it, but sometimes, hidden beneath the unglamorous, underpaid job that I have, you can't live without me or my profession.

"Hi, I am a stewardess. Without make up, I look plain, and I am usually dumb."

2009-12-21T09:56:00.003+08:00

Over dinner the other day, the BF and I were discussing his friend's new gf, who is a marketing exec. I said that she was really nice and was a refreshing change from the usual unfriendlies he hung out with. And I added that she was quite attractive. The bf then said that the friend, let's call him C, mentioned to him that he can finally see why pilots eventually stop dating stewardesses because it was hard to have intelligent conversations with them.

Funnily, even though I am and have never been a cc, I felt insulted. Obviously because my sister was with an airline for 5 years and she is in no way dumb. I said " Not all cc are dumb."

And I reminded the BF, " you dated one for 5 years you know?"

He then quickly remarks " Oh, yes, of course I did. But you know, with every partner, you upgrade. So, I have upgraded. Much like how you have upgraded to. Ahem ahem." *insert chest puffing action*

In between rolling my eyes and gagging, I told the BF that the ex cannot be as "bad" as he says, obviously cos her face was plastered all over the billboards. No uglies make it to billboards.

"Oh, it's makeup. Without makeup, a lot of them are ugly/unattractive- wan. Like C was saying, he went out with this cc nicknamed JayLo , and dude, he said when she took off her makeup, he nearly died. He said why so ugly wan?!"

And then he continues " Like C's new gf, C told me, when she removes her make up, her face quite plain and uneven."

I then thought to myself, GOD FORBID I should ever date a guy like C who tells his good friend how "plain" his gf looks. Or that without makeup, his gf is one of those people who should never see the light of day.

I guess I'm safe. I'm makeup free 99% of the time. In fact, if it's a good day, I actually comb my hair before I leave the house. And if it's an EVEN better day, I have lip balm (with a tinge of pink!) on. So when I remove my "make up", the bf would be glad to know, I look exactly the same as before.

Ex files

2009-12-16T14:03:00.003+08:00

The whole of last night, I was stuck in a dream where the BF had another girl and did not tell me about her. In this dream, I felt lousy. There was surprisingly, no anger. Just a sinking, lousy feeling. When I finally managed to pry my eyes open from the horrid dream, I realised I couldn't call the BF as he was working.

I always thought that if I were caught in a love triangle and I am the jilted lover, I would be livid.

When I was 16, I was the jilted lover and as mentioned before, I wasn't angry. Just very heartbroken. In fact the ex's then gf (whom he left me for) called me and asked "What can you tell me about H that I don't already know?"
I asked her how she got my number and she said the ex gave it to her. And why do you want to call me ? "Cos I want to talk to this ex of his that he constantly talks about."

Even many years down the road, after we had attained puberty, grew some unwanted hair and scored some unwanted wrinkles, I would get a text out of the blue " Do you think, if I hadn't made the big mistake of leaving you when were together, we would still be together today?" or "Do you think there is still a chance for us?"

What does one answer to that? What do you say to a guy who broke your heart?

I said nothing.

Today, he is happily married.

And up to the very week before he got hitched, the just recent ex sent me emails and text messages saying that he misses me and how he doesn't understand how it all went wrong and how he wished he could turn back time.

It's sure to be shitty to be the girl that your partner "settled" for or be the girl whose bf loves someone more than you.

It sure must suck.

The bf's ex sent him angry messages when she found out we got together. There was "you wasted my 5 years!" "you are a jerk!" "I deserve better than you!"

It always pains me to know she feels that way. I always tell him "she must have really loved you." but he will always say "it's not about how much she loves/loved me, it's all about how much I loved her. The trouble was, I didn't love her enough to stay."

I am always petrified of a repeat of my life when I was 16. Because it sucks to be the jilted lover. But I bear no grudge against the third party because I believe that if my bf loves someone more than me, I would gladly let him go.

two weeks minus ten days.

2009-12-09T08:55:00.002+08:00

Over dinner yesterday. My friend whines:

"Someone hit my car!"

I gave her the most piteous look. Obviously because I am currently the reigning queen of having car/bikes/whatnot hit the rear end of my car.

She then exclaims " I've sent it to be fixed. I am claiming the guy's insurance."

I then said "Oh, I couldn't wait for the shop to process the insurance and get everything done. Much too long. I was told it would take TEN DAYS!"(written in bold for dramatic effect)

"WHAT?! TEN DAYS? So long? The man told me it would be done before Christmas! He said only two weeks!"

*_*

"Ten days is roughly 4 days less than two weeks."

"Oh."

Who is a lawyer? Me? Nope. Not me.

2009-12-08T10:23:00.002+08:00

You pick up the phone. And someone is in dire need of legal advice. You tell them, sorry, I don't do civil law. They say, but you're still a lawyer right? You can tell me some things? You think "Hmm, yeah I am a lawyer, and how hard can it be?"
So you stupidly, foolishly, { insert word which equates to idiot} say "Sure."
The one word I shall live to regret now.

The ramblings then began.
Phone rings, Hey, its me.
Who?
Benedict.
Oh.
So, *asks same questions over and over and over and over and over again*
Gives same answer over and over and over and over and over again.

Repeat above scenario for three whole days.

I'll be damned that the first time I admit I am a lawyer, I get burned this way. I am going to stick back to saying "I'm not working. I am a housewife."

It's so cute, I just had to share it!

2009-12-01T15:17:00.002+08:00

Silent question

2009-12-01T11:05:00.001+08:00

What do you do when the BF's niece yells for you, but with his ex's name?

You pretend you didn't hear her.

Then you pretend not to be perturbed by it.

Then you silently sit in the corner and wonder to yourself, does his family love her better than you?

But you never mention this incident ever again.

Let me tell you about hypocrisy

2009-11-19T15:00:00.003+08:00

I find it absolutely hilarious that some people can talk about politics, can hate politicians and call them deceitful and traitors of the nation, despise those who are angered by the corruption and greed in the country, say that we should be thankful for what we have in Malaysia because there are so many countries out there with so little, yet, in their own little world, they are so obsessed with what people think of them and if anyone says something which is against what they have to say, they dismiss the idea as sheer absurdity.

You know what that means, a degree does not make you smart. Ditto for a Masters/PhD.

How can some people dedicate their whole lives to telling others how much they hate another? Sure, we complain a little bit, but do we call others names and label them bastards? What makes you so absolutely wonderful? I guess it never occurred to these people that it takes a whole lot of time and energy to hate somebody. The irony is that while you say I don't care about you! You actually dedicate quite a lot of time to tell others WHY you don't care and how these people do not matter to you.

No prizes for guessing who the fool is in this situation.

A person who claims to be intelligent, wonderful, self assured, confident and so abso-fucking-lutely fantastic, should never, ever, edit comments on their blogs.

What do you have to fear?

That you be exposed as nothing, but an idiot?

Oh the job we love!

2009-11-17T14:37:00.003+08:00

Yesterday at a table with accountants, businessmen, lawyers, pilots and a stewardess.

The whole night went by with questions and statements, all pertaining to...

Aviation.

Is it fun to be a pilot? What fleet are you currently doing? How long does it take to be a pilot? How many places have you flown to? How is the roster like for XX airline? Are you still enjoying yourself?

And then there was :-
"Eh how come company XX the pilot's landing damn bad? I thought we crashed! But pilot Victor from company XY damn good!"
"Eh this stewardess ah, she was supposed to give me my Milo, but she was busy bitching to notice me! So rude! I should complain!"
"How come the girls on board which I have seen so far are not pretty ah?"

Who cares about the accountants and the lawyers or the businessmen?

They are a bore.

Adjo min van.

2009-11-13T13:22:00.002+08:00

A friend knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you forget the words.

Death is inevitable.

2009-11-09T10:25:00.003+08:00

Let me tell you a funny story.

A year and a half ago, my cousin was involved in a very very bad accident. When we arrived at the hospital, we rushed into the ICU to see him. When we walked into the ICU, we didn't know which was him. Everyone in the room was bandaged and had their faces covered with tubes and were attached to machines.

So after consulting the charts on the walls, we finally found him. Bruised, battered, bleeding and swollen. He had massive head injuries and was barely breathing on his own. We then asked the nurse what happened, and she consulted the chart and said " kemalangan antara basikal dan motosikal."

We then enquiried, "siapa naik basikal?"

To which she replied, "Ntah la. Mungkin dia kot" *while pointing at my cousin*
(these ppl are really efficient I tell you. They don't know when he was admitted, what injuries he suffered, how the accident happened. Nothing. Great. Two thumbs up!)

We sat at his bedside, and said a prayer for him. Telling him he had to pull through. We saw tears streaming down his face. While he may have been in a coma, we were sure, he could hear us.

About two weeks later, my cousin had recovered. And over dinner one day, another cousin revealed to us that my uncle had rushed to the ICU to see him and sat down for half and hour, stroking his hand, talking to him and consoling him. Only to find out later when another family member entered the ICU, that he was talking to the wrong guy. My cousin was in fact, lying on the bed next to the man my uncle was talking to.

That story never fails to make me snicker.

Today, at 1am in the morning, this cousin passed away.

I choose to rememeber everything great about him. That funny hospital story (albeit wrapped in tragedy), the way he had laugh- loud and hearty, he was always the one asking whether we "remember him or not?" (cos he worked in the east coast and was hardly back) and eventhough as the years passed, we saw less and less of him, I will always remember him for the great cousin that he was.

RIP my dear cousin.

You learn to let go, and you get rear ended.

2009-11-05T08:51:00.003+08:00

Ever had those days (in my case, months) where nothing goes your way?

I have been having trouble with this one particular condo owner whose condo I happened to fall madly in love with. I made an offer with conditions, he said yes. Now he is being difficult. Making demands and not fulfilling his promise. So after much going back and forth between myself, the two agents, my loan officer and the owner, I told myself, If I can't get this apartment. Then maybe it's just not meant to be. I took a deep breath, told myself and the BF, I'm just going to see what happens. Won't stress myself out.

5 minutes after I told myself that, I got rear ended. Twice. By two different cars.

When I got rear ended, I felt this overwhelming sense of loss and despair. (It's my signature to get really upset and fiery- it's a Rooster thing) I felt as if, yeah, this is what the universe has/had for me these past few months. A month back my immoblizer died and I had to tow the car out of Midvalley. Then I had to change the alarm because the ex could not find the immoblizer key (I bought the car off him) and then before that a rempit on a bike hit my car and subsequently came out to yell at me, then while I was reversing to park, while on the mobile (kids, please do not try this at home) I scratched the car next to mine. So it was a culmination of all that. And that was just for my car. If I have the time, one day I will tell you about the rest of my life.

So there I was, sitting in the car, feeling a great sense of despair. I got out, took pictures of the other cars and proceeded to the police station.

While on the phone with mum detailing the accident, she told me that everything happens for a reason. And a friend I texted told me that at least it wasn't me who got hit by a car. Another in Jakarta (yes you know who you are) could not contain his giggles and told me "hey, I got home today and I have no water/gas! " to which I promptly told him the day before, I went home to a house without water either. So, in terms of bad luck, I think I am reigning right now.

At the scene of the accident, the BF asked "Why are you so stressed?".

Yes, why indeed? Is it the car? The tough sale of the apartment? The good friend I no longer need in my life? The LLM exams I have to study for? The flight to LGK which I may miss tomorrow due to work?

Why indeed?

I need a break. From life.

I'm hiding.

2009-10-30T09:00:00.003+08:00

Ever had/have those days where you wake up and nothing looks right? Your outfits don't fit right, your hair is a mess, your skin is crap and you feel like your thighs could lose an inch or more?

If today is the day you feel like that, do not, I repeat, DO NOT flip through Female's 50 Most Gorgeous.

It'll make you feel worse.

Trust me. I stupidly looked at the hotties in there. Right now I feel like crap and am searching for a hole to climb in until they publish something along the lines of "50 people who will make you feel better about your ugly nose/face/legs/tummy/hair."

Til then, I'll be hiding from the world. Thanks.

What if the world ends in 2012?

2009-10-27T11:20:00.004+08:00

"You're going to lose everything, how does it feel?"

The world will apparently end on December 31st, 2012.

How does it feel? What would I do?

Should the world end in 2012, what will I do with all the money I would have fastidiously collected over the years? What will I do with the house I may have bought with the money I have accumulated? The car? The material possessions?

What use are they to me?

We all wake up everyday with a list in our heads, with things we want to do, things we want to acquire, things we want to achieve.

Before 2012 hits, this is what I would tell myself to do everyday:-

1) Every night I will go to bed thinking of my family and praying for them.

2) Every morning I wake up to a beautiful face next to me, smiling. Feeling lucky that I have him there for me.

3) When at work, I will try my best, but I will not tire, wear and break down my body for the job.

4) I will love my friends, but I will bump up "love for myself" to first spot.

5) I will not engage in useless arguments with people who do not appreciate me.

6) I will appreciate everything that I have, my 5 senses. I can hear music, I can see beauty, I can feel kindness, I can taste happiness and I can touch another's heart.

That's my list.

What's yours?

Only the strong survive

2009-10-22T13:59:00.002+08:00

What makes me think that, it'll all work out in the end?
Afraid to feel bad, better off to try and pretend
I'm immortal, immune to all that is wrong
Just keep on wishing, crossing my fingers so long
Is this helping? I'm growing weaker each day
Can't stop whining, still afraid of what I might say or reactions,
That control us one and all

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive.

So now I'm bleeding on myself yes once again
Seems I trusted another deceitful friend
My fault, I should've known the deal
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer for real
Seems easy, but nothing could be so hard
Trying to guess life's dealing, what's the next card?
I'm surely folding, I don't like this hand at all

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive
(Why don't you think about)

Maybe things happen for a reason and wherein lies the answer
To overcome the grieving of lifes unruly lessons
I'm handed in sucession,
It builds my pain which makes me strong

It's mine, it's pure and as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive

When it's mine, and it's pure and, as decent as I can make myself
Inside, we all know, only the strong survive

What's a lady doing in a criminal court?

2009-10-21T11:44:00.002+08:00

For the umpteenth time, yes, I do criminal law.

Yes, it's true.

It is as true and as real as the colour of my skin. (No, I do not bleach it with whitening skin care.)

And for the umpteenth time, please do try to close your gaping mouth when I say "yes, our firm does 100% criminal cases" because I know that gape (which I am hoping beyond hope a fly or any other insect will find its way inside) it's your way of telling me you do not believe that I did not accidentally wander into a Criminal Court and that I am actually there for a reason.

Please.

No more " YOU do criminal law?"

No more "Only criminal law?"

And lastly, cut the "I've never seen a lady lawyer in a criminal court before."

Because frankly. that is BS. There are so many female lawyers and Prosecutors doing their thing in criminal courts. I met one just two days ago in the Court of Appeal and her oratory skills were so fantastic, even I was convinced beyond doubt that the Appellant meant to kill the little girl.

As if it wasn't bad enough that Mr. I-do-not-believe-you-do-criminal-law scoffed at the idea that I chose to be in this field, he asked if I have handled any cases of my own.
I replied I was relatively new in the field and was still learning to which he scoffed AGAIN and said "You either have it or you don't. You don't need so much time to learn."

Well EXCUSE ME Mr. I am so great watch me puff out my chest, I happen to LIKE to learn the ropes before I tell my clients I am prepared to defend them. Perhaps your cases involve small petty crimes. Perhaps, if you screw up, all they may have to do is, pay a small fine, or sit in jail for a few months.

For the cases my firm handles, if I screw up, they go in for minimum 5 years and a mandatory whipping sentence. And also, if I screw up, they may be fined up to RM1 to 10 million and jailed for two years. And if I screw up, some of them may be sent to jail for the rest of their lives or be hanged. So, I take that big risk just because I want to show the world "I have it" ? Yes, I may be a slow learner but I heed my boss's advice. "Take your time. Do not be in a rush."

I like that advice. And I shall keep it in mind the next time I talk to someone like you.

Wisdom of Oscar Wilde

2009-10-17T09:14:00.003+08:00

"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."

- Oscar Wilde

Bad cat mojo

2009-10-16T11:48:00.003+08:00

Ladies and gentleman,

It's official.

Cats hate me.

At my friend's house the other day, this conversation took place:-
(upon seeing a small boy approach the cat, and after I was scratched and hissed at by it, I did my civic duty of informing the father of the small kid)

Me: Oh! Don't touch that cat!
Father of kid: Oh, its okay. Cats love small children.
Me: But this one scratched me!
F: *giving the "I said small children, not young adult"* look.
M: So they like small children eh? *inches closer to kid*
F: Yah they do.
M: So if I stand really close to your son, then maybe the cat won't scratch me!
F: Oh no, if you stand close to him, you will pass him your bad cat mojo.
*snatches kid away from me*

*_*

I should stop being selfish, and start being appreciative

2009-10-09T12:24:00.006+08:00

In the last two days, I have been prancing up and down Midvalley and Toyota and accessory shops. The reason as to WHY I needed to do so is insignificant. (told the angry story a million times. am quite tired really)

So, the BF has been faithfully sending me up and down, calling the tow truck, getting the mechanic, lepaking with me at the shops waiting for my car to be fixed and never once, did he complain. He cheerfully went about taking me here there and everywhere while I grumbled, whined and complained. And when at 7pm, I was still sitting at the accessory shop waiting for the man to finish with whatever he started, I snapped at the poor guy (the BF not the accessory shop guy)

the BF: Babe, I got you some water. You look like you're thirsty.
me: No, I don't want it.
BF: Have some babe. It will help you cool down. Its hot.
me *GROWL* I DON'T WANT IT.

And it went downhill from there. The BF then became really quiet and reserved.

The next day, I received a text from the BF.

"One day I will tell you why I am sad."

Cryptic message.

I instinctively knew that he was sad (actually more like bloody upset) because I was an unappreciative selfish bitch the whole of yesterday. All I did was whine and complained, growling and snarling. All he did was bow to my demands. Just because MY car had problems. If it were HIS car, and he growled at me, I would have abandoned him at the mechanic, sulked and said he didn't appreciate my efforts.
When I relayed this story to a friend, he said I was a terrible gf really. That I never took the time to speak to him and understand him properly.

All my valiant efforts to say how nice a gf I was, was wasted on him. He said. "You really could do better."

He's right.

I really can do better.

Here's a man who would do anything for me.
Here's a man who does his own laundry and irons his own clothes.
Here's a man who offers to change everything faulty in my house.(the ex never did. a typical conversation with the ex.
Me: my pipes are leaking!
ex: Oh, get a plumber. Duh. I knew that.thanksalot.)
Here's a man who does not need me to clean up after him.
Here's a man who loves me unconditionally.

And if I don't start appreciating the gem that he is, some chick such as the junior FA who saw him at the airport the other day and remarked "HANDSOMENYA!" might just steal him from right under my nose.

Also, in reply to Flyfreak's post about love. Here's the perfect song with the perfect explanation to his queries.

And here's a song I offer to the BF:-

Love's a funny thing, isnt it?

Things that go bump in the darkness of the aircraft

2009-09-30T09:07:00.006+08:00

Yesterday over a Japanese dinner, I asked the BF if anyone had died on flight in his airline's history.

He remarked that an old lady died, an assumed peaceful death, as she fell asleep and never woke up. Right after that explanation, he launched into horror stories of how a few cabin crew and technicians had encountered an old lady on the aircraft.

So one friend asked why I chided the BF for telling me horror stories as it did not necessarily mean that I would have the same encounter on flight when I flew with the BF's airline.

I explained that what if, I were seated on one of those empty flights and suddenly out of nowhere an old lady appears beside me and I were to buzz the Flight Attendant, and it would be the same flight attendant that was on my flight the other day from PEN-KUL.

And she will say " What old lady? I don't see no old lady! It's only you seated there."

Well, I wouldn't blame her, cos her hairdo looked like this :-

HOW TO SEE GHOSTS?

Can hardly see anything with only one eye much less see the elusive old lady who haunts the aircraft.

the stupid things I agree to do for a friend

2009-09-24T10:30:00.008+08:00

While I was devouring my dinner yesterday, I received a phone call.

I have recently discovered that as I grow older, I have somehow become phone phobic. I hate to have long phone conversations, unless something really important needs to be said. The only people I like to talk to on the phone for long hours are my family and of course the BF. (who is always on panic mode if I do not pick up my phone after two calls because he assumed I must have been mugged and left for dead in some ditch- drama itu my BF)

If not, then let's just keep it short and sweet.

So anyway, I digress. Yesterday at the dinner table, I received a phone call. This one person calls me so often, I may soon have to pretend I died just to avoid her calls.

Me: hello?
T: hello!? Eh tomorrow ah, can do you do me a favour?
M: What?
T: I need you to help me with ( insert stupid request)
M: But why? Then it means I cannot go for my workout la.
T: Oh, if you cannot then I find somebody else la.
M: FIND SOMEBODY ELSE.
T: But there is nobody else.

*_*

M: But you haven't even ASKED anybody else.
T: I am sure there is nobody else.

And while this conversation is going on, the BF is shaking his head and mouthing "No."

M: Oklah. *forlorn*

Today at exactly 9am, my phone beeps.

Text message reads : "Eh, so today you help me with the (insert stupid request asked for yesterday) ok? Thanks!I owe you a meal. "

I may just have to throw away my phone soon. Blackberry Storm or not.

I need a new best friend

2009-09-23T11:10:00.005+08:00

Every year for my birthday, I feel like I need a new best friend.

Every year for the past god knows how many years, my best friend lets me down. She is either never around for my birthday, or does not remember my birthday, or does not bother planning anything for my birthday.

No, I do not consider myself a demanding friend. I DO NOT expect a birthday dinner, or a birthday gift. But I DO expect that you remember my birthday. And not because it rang on your Nokia reminder.

So on my birthday I casually told the BF "I am sure she has forgotten today is my birthday."

And sure enough, at 10.30pm, 1 1/2 hrs before it turned the day after my birthday, she smses "Happy Birthday! Phew, I almost forgot cos I set it on my reminder, but for 12am on the wrong day!".

Thanks best friend.

But she did organise a dinner for me. It wasn't a surprise dinner like the one her Bf and I planned for her birthday. But one which she called and asked "so where do you want to have it?" and then invited some people on facebook but never followed up when some did not reply to her FB invite. So, I had to pick up the pieces by making sure everyone I wanted at the dinner was turning up.

On the day of my dinner, she the organiser, turned up last. And she yelled "I am late because of Secret Recipe!" Which meant the birthday cake was obviously not a surprise. She did after all text me the day before and asked what cake I wanted and she tasked her bf to do the buying for her.

Right now, I am sure I seem ungrateful for her planning a birthday. Everyone tells me, "aiya, at least she planned one!"

But isn't it weird that you are told to be thankful,that your best friend made an effort, however small? Is it wrong to expect it of her? I do things for her willingly.

This is the girl who has no qualms abandoning me when she finds new friends.
This is the girl who says she is too busy to meet up, but finds time to meet up with others.
This is the girl who bitched about me behind my back when I first got together with the BF because she felt "alone" but now that she has found herself a partner, has totally sidelined me for him.
This is the girl whom on my birthday, she quarelled with her then BF, didn't turn up at my dinner, turned off her phone and was not contactable for days but made no apology for it.
This is the girl who turned off her handphone for two weeks without informing anybody because "she just felt like it".
This is the girl who makes me wait all the time. And one time she made me wait in hartamas all by myself for 2 1/2 hours because she went shopping with her housemate.
This is the girl whom never returns phone calls or sms-es.

This is the girl whom the BF asks, "Why is it so hard for her to be your friend?"

And this is the girl who tells other people, I am her best friend because I will always be there for her.

Seems one sided don't you think?

And this is why, every year for my birthday, I feel like I need a new best friend.

And when you sit down for a birthday get together, I realise that I can be friends with those that are present since forever, and they will still show up empty handed and tell you "oh I am still trying to figure out your birthday present."

I find that absolutely nonsensical and useless. Firstly, if you didn't get me anything, that's fine. Secondly, if you haven't had time to buy me anything, that's ok as well.If you're flat broke and you really can do without spending unnecessarily on me, that's cool. But if you have to give me this grandmother story about how you have yet to figure out what to get me, or that you owe me a present because you have been so overwhelmingly busy with your life you haven't had time to buy me a present, then that's just wasting 10 minutes of my life. Which I could have used to save the world. Or a lost kitten. Or bring a man back to life by CPR.

And if you have to give me three days of explanation of the fact that you have overwhelming suffocating love for me, that I am on your top list of priorities and that you would do anything for me , BUT you still won't attend the dinner because you do not know anybody there, then seriously. Go sit in the corner and stop calling me with that stupid story.

The BF's friends turned up at the birthday with presents. Not just ANY present, but well thought of presents. There was wine which catered to his taste (bought that because she remembered the BF mentioned he did not like wine which were sweet) and there were Nike caps ( because he remembered BF mentioning he needed a new cap for tennis) and another offered to swap duties with him so that he need not fly on his birthday.

And my friends of 15 years turned up empty handed because "they haven't figured out what to get me."

And this reminds me of that one time I told the BF to return his friend's call because he had just recently broken up and must have needed to talk. And he told me he would do it later and I labelled him a bad friend.

To which he turned to me and said "What is the point of being a good friend like you? Look at how your good friends treat you. They treat you like shit."

*_*

Since when did it become a sin to be alone?

2009-09-17T13:19:00.003+08:00

I am no spring chicken.

I know.

Next week, I turn a year older.

As I grow older, more people rush up to my face and ask "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?"
And all these while, while I was with the ex, he never joined me at any family functions. He never joined me at any official functions. Actually, he hardly joined me at any functions at all. But that is another story, today's story is about how, just because I introduced the BF to the family, the extended family, and the friends, now at every function they ask "EH WHY ARE YOU ALONE? YOUR BF- leh?" and then there is the customary.."so when you getting married la?" followed by a wink wink and a smile.

*_*

It's as if it suddenly became a sin to go to functions alone. As if it suddenly means something went wrong with the relationship if I decide to attend a dinner by myself. Or that I am going to die an old sad little woman because I turned up for a get-together solo.

When I was with the ex, we never turned up for anything together. The legal fraternity was of the opinion that I never had a boyfriend. And that I made up those stories to hide the fact that I was actually, deep down inside, a closet lesbian.

So here is a public announcement.

I am not getting married anytime soon. No, seriously, I am not a closet lesbian waiting to be discovered.
It's okay if I am old and wrinkly and nobody wants me. I can live with that. I will just gate crash friends and their families' open houses during festivities. (I have warned them and they don't seem to mind).

Alright?

Envy

2009-09-04T14:47:00.003+08:00

What is it about envy that turns us into monsters? Turn friends into enemies? Turn lovers into haters?

Just the other day over dinner, my cousin(J) told me that her sister (S) was always envious of my sister(A). She was envious that A always seemed to have everything. A travelled the world when she joined the airlines. After she left the airlines, she studied overseas and after that she met a nice Italian man and she settled down in Italy. Until today S remains envious of A. And due to this envy, S could never be as close to A as J is to me.

About two weeks back, the BF and I met his good friend, who is also a pilot in the same airlines for supper. Along with him he brought a Flight Attendant from the same airlines. She was relatively new to the country having just joined the airlines a few months before. Over supper, she lamented that she was considering leaving the airlines as she could no longer take the "abuse" she was suffering in the hands of the other crew. When the BF asked her what "abuse" she suffered, she said that on her SNY flight, she was made to stand all throughout (except for take off and landing of course) and she was not allowed to take any meal or toilet breaks. And frequently on flights, she would be ignored by the other crew in the team or reprimanded by them. When she was first introduced to the team, they "loudly" hushed that she had had plastic surgery and that everything about her was fake.

Here was this girl, standing before me, tall and beautiful, and detailing how her confidence was/is crushed by mean, envious colleagues. I told her I understand why they were mean to her, clearly because she is absolutely stunning. AND she is nice. A lethal combination for envious people.

When we see a beautiful woman, we hope and cross out fingers that she is DUMB.
When we hear of a intelligent lady, we hope that she is UGLY.
When we know of someone successful in their career, we wished that she was lonely at the top.
When we see someone drenched in riches, we wished that she was unhappy.
When we see a beautiful woman with a ugly man, we say " He must be rich."
When we see a dashingly handsome man with a ugly woman we say " She must be rich."

We never admire the beauty, intelligence, success, riches or true love that another person has.
We always envy and to make ourselves feel better, we step on the other and bring them down.

And what if this person was a friend? What if a friend was envious of you? I have friends who whisper behind my back just to bring me down. I have good friends who find faults with me just because they are envious of what I have.

You know what Muhamad Ali says?
"Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything. "

Unfortunately, sometimes we have friends whom we are better off without. And to illustrate a point, what better way than this:-And isn't that the truth?!

If you dare do it, then you must dare to admit to it.

2009-08-25T15:21:00.002+08:00

At the steps of the Duomo, in Milan, I, dressed in my maroon jumpsuit-shorts, was turned away entry.

I, the Chinese Asian, dressed in a tube top and shorts, was told "sorry, your attire is not suitable for entry."

I have no problem with the fact that my attire was not suitable for entry into the Church. I respect that. But what I had a major problem was the fact that the man who denied me entry, readily offered shawls for other inappropriately attired WHITE people to cover up and enter. Two black women were also turned away.

If I could speak Italian, I would tell him in the face that he should not stand in front of the church and insult the religion of his nation. I would tell him that he should be ashamed that he should stand in front of a place of worship and insult God. For is it not true that God made us all equal?
How dare he stand there, clearly a racist, and declare himself a Catholic? For shame.

When my bro-in-law went to ask Mr. Racist why he turned me away, he muttered that he turned anyone who was inappropriately attired, away. Please, God gave me eyes to see. And I stood in front of the church and saw you insult God with your actions. You may deny it, but God would have witnessed it. So, only you have to explain that to him if you ever make it to the Gates of Heaven. And if you do, I hope you will be denied entry because you're inappropriately unconscionable. And you're an eejit. But then again, that would be discriminatory. But who cares, you're still an eejit.

On a separate note, would I be a bad friend if I have tried to stop a friend's financial source from continuing because I think it 1) insults her bf 2) causes her to not be independent 3) "cheapens" her?

If she has a bf, but another man gives her money to sustain her, does it not insult her bf? Obviously her bf has no knowledge of it.

Is there a difference between a man giving you money voluntarily and you asking for it, as if , it is as of right? (and we are not talking about married couples here)
To me there is. There is a difference because if he gives it to you voluntarily, he wants to. If you ask for it, it means your friendship/companionship has a price. It shows that you think "because I am your friend/companion/bed buddy, I deserve to be given something in return."

If someone gives you money to sustain you, and you lie to your bf, family and friends about it, that is very wrong. No, I am not judging you. You are entitled to do it. But, why are you afraid to admit it?

If I hint at the fact that you are clawing on to this man for financial reasons, and you get offended that I am calling you a gold digger, when you obviously are, I really am at my wits end.

If you are a beautiful, intelligent girl, why do you sell yourself at a small price every month just for materialistic goods?

You know the Chinese saying?

If you dare to do it, you must dare to admit to it.

three is the magic number

2009-08-07T10:11:00.004+08:00

Yesterday I lied.
(oh, oh. Syazsy don't hate me!)

I lied to the BF's friend's(let's call him C) on-off gf (let's call her M).

I lied because I was put on the spot. I lied because frankly, I am not a big fan of M. I lied because I do not respect a girl who makes her bf call his friend, to ask them questions on his whereabouts. I do not fancy being put in a position where someone else's gf asks me "who was with you?" "was there another girl with you guys?" "was he alone or he came with someone?"

What am I? The chamber of secrets?

Firstly, I am not there to spy on your bf.
Secondly, I am not there to spy on your bf.
Thirdly, repeat all of the above. TWICE.

And frankly, if you have a problem with your bf hanging out with other girls, then you can secretly hide behind bushes and go spy on him yourself. And in all honesty, if your bf is the type whom you are suspicious of ALL the time, dump him. Get a better more improved model. Don't go preying on his friends. Or his friends' gf's.

You have troubles with him, you do not alert the whole world. It makes us uncomfortable. It makes us compelled to take sides. And if we DO have to take sides, its not a gender thing girl. I have to take C's side. I know him better, I am his friend. Not yours.

So if you ask me "So how many of you went out yesterday?"

The answer will always be THREE.

If you look down on me, does that make you greater?

2009-08-03T08:30:00.003+08:00

I don't really remember what exactly that the BF and I were talking about last Friday when we were on the way to a birthday party, but he did relate a conversation he had with a captain that he was flying with just the day before.

Let's call this Captain N.

Capt N: Ish Ish, apalah nak jadi dengan kaum Melayu sekarang ni. Bartending Competition pun mereka boleh join dan menang! * said while reading an article in the newspaper and shaking his head disapprovingly*

Perplexed, I asked the BF, SO? He is entitled to his opinion. Much so when it is someone from his own race.

The BF then looks me in the eye, all serious, and said this :-

"This is the man who is married, but fools around with scores of flight attendants. This is the man who goes for holiday with his wife, and tells them that the boys are going to do "something else" besides shopping. And the something else is visiting prostitutes. This is the man who smokes and drinks.
A smoking, drinking womanizer is judging a man who is making an honest living? Who is to say this malay boy DRINKS? He might merely by making the drinks, as a job. He doesn't necessarily consume alcohol."

Classic case of "jaga tepi kain orang".

I told the BF, who was clearly agitated (he isn't a big fan of the captain), that people always find the need to look down on others or judge others. Because this made them feel better about themselves. If I point out your flaws, this would instantly make me a better Muslim/ Christian/ insert any other religion.

I have plenty of friends who approached me when I was 13 and told me that if I were not a Christian, I would burn in hell. And when I told my mother that, she told me to tell them "its okay. I would rather burn in hell for not being Christian, then stuck in heaven with someone like you!"

Amen to that.

Dear Y, remember how we were friends once upon a time?

2009-07-23T12:40:00.002+08:00

Dear Y,

Sometimes I sit and I think of our friendship of 15 years. And I wonder how a simple exchange of emails could have possibly destroyed that friendship. At first, I was saddened by the turn of events. But today, I am just plain outraged.

Remember when we were back in high school when we were merely 13 yrs of age? My mum gave you a ride home after you complained of tummy ache and your parents were too busy to come pick you up. That was the first time I met you. And til early this January, we were friends. Now, we are merely acquaintances.
Remember how you used to be grumpy back in school? And I would just come up to you and ask you what was the matter?And you would grumpily chase me away? Well I do. I remember how difficult it was to deal with your moodiness but that didn't mean that I did not want to remain a friend.

Remember how you called me crying about your live in bf? And how he cannot commit to you? Remember how you complained about his mother and how he is a mommy's boy? I do. I remember talking to you for hours on the phone telling you not to be upset and that don't worry, if he decides to walk away, I will always support you.

Remember when you called me complaining about your housemate? And how she was talking shit about you behind your back? Making sure that all your friends hung out with her and not with you?And that she was just a bad housemate in general? I do. I listened attentively as you complained about her and I told you, that you did not have to suffer her.

Remember how you were angry with your brother? And how he always talks you down? I do. I told you not to be affected by it because you're a grown woman now. Free to make your own decisions in life.

Every time you were back in Malaysia, I memorised your schedule and made every effort to meet you. I made sure I saw you at every opportunity and made sure I knew exactly when you were flying back so that I could make the most of your time here.

And finally,

Remember how you would shout at me for no reason? And I would not say anything.
Remember how you would yell at me if you are unhappy? And I would not retaliate.
Remember how you would complain that I'd rather spend time with my bf then you when all our other friends never made half the effort I made to be with you? And I didn't point it out to you.
Remember?

Funny you don't.

Because after experiencing a major all of you vs me early this year, I think I have finally had enough.

I have had enough of all of you taking me for granted.
I have had enough of being yelled at and called names such as being judgmental and critical when with every step of whatever decision all of you have made, I have been there.
I have had enough of always being the one who makes all the plans and when I don't I am actually labelled a BAD FRIEND.
I am tired of all of you badmouthing my BF when I have not as much as made a squeak about yours. (And I have known your BF longer than you have)

I am sick and tired of it.

And now, just because I told you off about it, you have decided to ignore me and abandon the friendship and convert it to an acquaintanceship?

At first, I was hurt. But you know what ? I don't care anymore.
You are free to find somebody else to be your friend. You are free to take someone else for granted.
Because I rather be friends with people who appreciate me.

Yours,
Me.

Men!!

2009-07-23T12:04:00.002+08:00

Ah, L'Amour by Don Hertzfeldt - The most amazing home videos are here

It's funny how men are deluded that way.

You think you're great just cos you live abroad?

2009-07-20T14:41:00.003+08:00

While most Malaysians were still in shock over the death of the political secretary, a suicide bomber ran into the Marriot and Ritz to blow himself to pieces. And one of them apparently is a Malaysian.

A friend then posted a link on her FB. And another commented that she cannot remember when was the last time she heard anything good from Malaysia. Irked, I replied that I myself cannot remember the last time I heard anything good from the country she resides in now and calls home. To which her classic reply was "no news is good news".

What a load of bull.
You know what irks me? Not that the statement was clearly made with ignorance but because plenty of Malaysians who have taken residence in other countries are quick to point out this country's shortcomings.

Even a simple mention by a friend that "Malaysian men have no manners and <insert all other bad qualities possible>" sent my blood boiling. Yeah, we all know you married a westerner. Good on you. But I am sure your brother and your father will be upset to know you think that they are unworthy men. And I am sure, just because you do not know how to appreciate a Malaysian man, OR that Malaysian men do not find YOU attractive, all of them are scums of the universe.

Those of us who actually LIVE and WORK here, are entitled to throw insults, criticise, make fun of and laugh at the situation here because we are directly affected by it. Those who do not live here and are quick to judge, my question is, is the country you live in SO perfect? What are the problems there? No problems? That's nice. I didn't know an utopia existed. Now I do.

I am sorry you forget that Malaysia was the country you were born in. The country that provided you your basic education. The country that did not bar you from leaving it for you to pursue your dreams of marrying a foreigner/ succeeding in a career in a foreign land. The country that with all its shortcomings, you are still too petrified of losing your citizenship (for some weird reason) and the country which you actually originate from. Wherever you are now, you will NEVER, I repeat NEVER be their citizen. It will NEVER be your birthplace. You will ALWAYS remain an outsider.

While people in the country you call home, still hurl racist insults at you and look down on your race, you have ignorantly embraced them like they are your family.

Ignorance comes in many forms. Ignorance blanketed by arrogance is the worst.

I am not saying that I may not one day leave this country in search of different pastures, but at least I can say this for myself. I have worked here. I have tasted the system here. I have experienced the life here. And if I want to go over there and make comparisons, at least I have a basis. But then again I will not. Because at the end of the day, Nothing can change the fact that I am MALAYSIAN. And unlike you, I am not ashamed of it.

MJ tribute my arse.

2009-07-16T11:28:00.004+08:00

Bets friend JoL (who is now blissfully in love. Awwww...) dragged me out of my domesticated mode (clean the house. wash the clothes, hit the sack at 11pm) for Mambo Jambo last night. It was themed "tribute to the King of Pop" (or something along those lines).
So me being sort of an admirer or MJ of sorts, I agreed to go. (I even did my "unleash the moonwalk! Who's the King now bitch!" impersonation to anyone who would look/listen.)

It sucked. It sucked so bad I wanted to roundhouse kick the organiser for wasting my time.
Sure, they had the usual things, the MJ impersonator. The MJ songs. But that lasted about say, an hour at the most.

The MJ impersonator danced on the dance floor. Now, unless ALL of us are of the heights of 5 feet to 8 feet, how the heck do you expect people who are standing a bit further behind to be able to see the performance? So half the time, we could hear cheers, but we saw nothing. Nil. Nada. Elek.

So there we were, almost bored to our wits, feeling extremely cheated by the whole tribute thing which was not, we saw a group of girls being chased away by bouncers. These girls I believe were out for a friend's hen night. (a friend whispered in my ear: girls got the whole idea of a hen night ALL wrong, the MEN should outnumber the women! Here there are only girls!Damn salah!)

JoL was also quick to remind me : MY HEN NIGHT I WANT MEN. PREFERABLY NAKED MEN.
Noted.

So, I overheard one of the girls saying to her friend : "we got a table but they F**king chased us away for royalty!"

I don't get this whole uppity nose high in the air atmosphere in Zouk.

No.1 : Do you think those two or three tables of royalty/celebrities will sustain your club if the rest of the non royalty/celebrity do not turn up?
No.2: Who is the paying customer? Who gives the bouncers the right to rudely and roughly push us around? Uncle, who you think is providing the money for your monthly salary?!
No.3: If you are so blardy rich, why don't you buy your own club? And run it the way you want?
No.4 : And if you are SO great just cos you work at Zouk, wait, why do you have to WORK at Zouk? What are the chances that your waitress/bouncer/door bitch/floor manager salary is way below mine? Blardy bitch asses.
(I do not look down on people because of their jobs. But if you piss me off, be prepared to have me spit in your face.)

Yes, I am pissed. I am pissed because people somehow adopt this perangai buruk everytime they work in a place which is considered "happening" or "THE spot in town". They look down on you, they rudely tell you "if you're not on the list, go line up there!", or they ignore your calls for them to replenish drinks, they push you around if you're in the way. What? Your mother never taught you any manners issit?!Sepak kang.

Note to self: Stay home. All the hassle and the bad manners, horrendous dressing, arrogant displays are way too much and so unworthy!

And p/s: Since when do children who look 16 and dress like they are 25 began swarming the clubs?

I feel so old.

Speak to my hand

2009-07-13T11:28:00.002+08:00

Today is the day that you talk to my hand.

Because the heart is much too hurt to speak back.

Do not say you're sorry. Do not tell me you know how I feel. Do not mention you will never do it again. Do not promise me this will be the last.

No more you miss me. No more you wish I were there with you.

Because today is the day you speak to my hand.

And the hand does not give a shit what you have to say.

I just want to be happy.

2009-07-10T10:35:00.003+08:00

What is it about my future that sends everyone into spins?

Dad has to pull my sister aside to engage in serious "future plans" talk with sis.
Cousins tell my dad about how hard it will be should I venture down that path.
Friends ask about my big plans and whether I would be doing the unthinkable or not.

All these whisperings behind my back has caused me sleepless nights.

All these fears have caused shouting matches with family.

All these worries have made me lose some friends.

And at the end of the day, I guess nobody sat down to ask me,

"ARE YOU HAPPY?"

Because truly I am. If only anyone cared enough to take time to know.

Yes, I worry about the future. I think about the what ifs. I fear for the unknown. And I have hesitations, worries and doubts. Sometimes I push them aside. Sometimes I sit down and think about it. But most times, I have discussed it with people who matter most to me and who are willing to open up their ears and their hearts to listen. If only.

I am blessed that at least my siblings have my back.

I truly do not know what I will do in the future.

I am arming myself with knowledge. I am arming myself with experience at work. Because at the end of the day, I do not want to be here any longer than I have to. I do not want to live here to be judged and ridiculed.

If my parents cannot support me or my decisions, I do not know how others can or will.

So I have stopped asking for it.

If you're with me, thanks.
If you're not, I understand. You can tell your worries to others. You can unload your fears to someone else. I understand.

Now if only you could also understand in turn what I ultimately want right now.

I just want to be happy.

Are you sure you're not some other person?

2009-07-07T12:12:00.003+08:00

As I swiped my gym card at the gym entrance the other day, the lady at the front desk, glanced at the computer.
She then asked me " You are Corinne right?"

I shook my head and told her I wasn't.

"But you look like her!"
"Yes, I have been told I look like her. But I am not her."
(Apparently I have a face that people like to say resembles another. So much for being unique.)

"ARE YOU SURE?"(said ala "adakah anda pasti?" in who wants to be a millionaire? hosted by whatshisname who also endorses rice? I forget.)

Now, who asks a person whether they are sure that they are not somebody else???

Of course I am sure I am NOT Corinne. The last I checked, I have yet to morph into somebody else.

I looked at her and said "Yeah, I am PRETTY sure I am not her."

Still she persisted with a perplexed look.

"But last week when you came in, I said HI CORINNE!"
"Did you? I'm sorry, I don't remember."

Right now, my panties are already beginning to get into a bunch because I HATE to be late for my class and what more being made to be late due to a senseless, time wasting, conversation.

So I just said, "Nope, not me."

STILL she persisted.

"Are you her friend?" Like as though this would automatically make it more plausible that I am ACTUALLY Corinne, but disguised as someone else.

"No, I am not technically her FRIEND. But I know OF her."
(silently chanting: please god, let her stop talking so I can go.)

Seriously. Doesn't it just make you want to rush over to the other person and snap their necks whenever they doubt the fact that you say you're not who you are???

*_*

Over lunch one day, the BF's good friend's new girlfriend (wow, what a mouthful) looked at me and said " You look Thai."

I have been mistaken for a lot of different races. Only this ONE taxi uncle who acknowledge me as a Malaysian.

He said " Ah, *pointing at my friend* you nampak macam dari Korea. Tapi you punya kawan *points at me* nampak orang Malaysia la."

Friend then retorts "Apa pasal, dia Malaysia saya Korea? Dua-dua pun orang Malaysia-ma."

His simple reason was :

"You punya mata MANYAK sepet. Sepet punya mata orang korea punya. You punya kawan mata kurang sepet. Malaysia tak adak banyak sepet sepet la. Kecuali itu manyak Cina punya. Atau datang dari itu Jepun atau Korea. Sepet."

Ah bless him.

Looks like there is hope for me yet. I am officially "kurang sepet".

Are you insulted that I think you're a FA?

2009-06-30T16:27:00.004+08:00

Over the weekend I went down to Seremban for the BF's friend's club's third anniversary.
We were entertained by a fire eater, which I have to say was not really impressive. But what WAS impressive were the 5 dancers which they claimed were dancers from Quattro. So it being Quattro, and not a ciplak small town ah chi ah beng place(though best friend JoL swears its the place where ugly chinese people go to die), we expected the dancers to be quite hot.

Now, I have no problems with people and their chosen profession, whether it be stripping, dancing, pole dancing etc etc. As long as you do it with class.

So when the time came for the dancers to perform, they marched unto the stage all dressed in "trench coats" and did their hip swaying walk and sultry looks to the deafening silence of the crowd. The floor manager yelled " Are you ready for the hot girls?!"
And he got a very soft and muffled "ya" and a clap here and there. (Maybe Seremban people don't really like dancer chicks in trench coats. I dunno.)

Anyway after the intro, the girls then began to strip their trench coats into, get this, bikinis. Not just any bikinis. But bikinis with RUFFLES. MULTI COLOURED RUFFLES.

much like this one, but with orange, black AND red ruffles. actually scrap that, it was 100% uglier than this bikini. It had 100% more ruffles.

I don't know about you, but multi coloured ruffles don't turn me on. They are not sexy. They are quite frankly, cheap. And when the music blared through the loud speaker, the girls went at each other like there was a prize for the best lesbian impersonation. Can someone yell WTF?
That is not called dancing ok? It's called trying to hard to give the guys a hard on by going at each other like long lost lesbian lovers.

As the entertainment was CLEARLY not entertaining, I got to talking to one of the BF's friend who is planning to join the BF's airline as his current company was....restructuring.

K: OHMYGAWD!REALLY? YOU'RE NOT A FA?
Me: Nope. I know. People always assume I am. Because of the job that he has. K: Not only that, you have the FA look.
Me: What is a FA look?
K: You have the look la. So what do you do?
Me: I am a lawyer.
K: Oh. I am sorry. Are you insulted that I thought you were a FA?

*_*

To which I replied firmly, my sister was a FA. Why should I be insulted that you thought I worked for the airlines?

And all the could mumble was a "oh, I dont know.some people are. especially when you're a lawyer."

Firstly, it is a misconception that FA's are not intelligent. My sister is intelligent. She has a degree in International Relations with an almost perfect GPA. And as much as I would like to think that I am smarter than the BF's ex , he had to shatter my illusion by saying "oh my ex is quite smart. She is especially good with numbers. She figured out the pay scheme and informed the company that we were wrongly underpaid. I don't know how she figured out something nobody could."
oh. great. thanksalot.

And Secondly, it is a misconception that lawyers are intelligent. I have met quite a lot of stupids roaming around the courts, calling themselves lawyers. trust me. they roam amongst us.

And thirdly, if you think so lowly of them, why do you trust your lives in their hands( as well as the pilots) when you fly? They will be the ones showing you the exit, helping you with the exit, telling you what to do in times of emergencies. These girls go through months of training and every time they go to work, they put their lives at risk.

tsk tsk.

the things some people say.

hi, I'm puteh and I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

2009-06-24T11:28:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I bumped into a friend (let's call him X) while I was walking back to my car accompanied by another friend(let's call him Y).

While I was yakking to X, Y had, without saying goodbye or see you later, taken off.

When I finished talking to X(we spoke for like 5 mins MAX) , I turned around and discovered that Y had already taken flight leaving a cloud of dust behind. 1/2 hr later I received a text :-

"Already gone. Drive safe."

Oh, how nice of him to inform me.

So, while I was reading the text, I grumbled to the BF of how rude friend Y was, taking off without even a word of goodbye or a gentle tap on my shoulder to signal that he was going off.

I also related that X had asked me "your date (referring to Y) ah?" and I told the BF "AS IF I WOULD HAVE A DATE SO RUDE AS TO LEAVE ME BEHIND!"

Before I could even finish huffing and puffing, the BF retorts "X does not know you have a BF?"

Here is where my story starts.

What is with guys or girls who are petrified that others do not know they are so and so's bf or gf or those who cannot WAIT to tell others about their bf/gf? Seriously. If I so happen to be with the BF and I meet a friend, I am not going to push him aside and pretend he does not exist. I would of course introduce him. But I am not going to stand atop a hill and yell :-

" I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!HIS NAME IS <>! OHMYGAWDILOVEHIMSOMUCHICOULDDIE!"

I have something against people who refer to their BF's on their blogs/FB/whatnot as "BABY".(Your bf/gf has a name ok? If you want to remain anonymous, then use his initial ke or a pseudonym)
And I especially, hate abhor benci those who update their FB status with "BABY IS BACK!" or "MISSING BABY!"

Dude. I don't care about your bf. Neither do I care whether he went away, came back or is being missed by you. Seriously. If I could, I would stand in front of you and mouth the words "I DON'T CARE" in slow mo and gesture the "WATCH ME NOT CARE" with my hands while slapping you silly with my feet. (I'm bendy that way)

Now, of course it makes sense that I would want the BF to introduce me if I were to meet his friend. Only because I think it is highly rude to talk to a friend and not introduce your date to that person. There is this one particular friend of the BF whom we've bumped into twice. And twice he did not introduce his girlfriend. And twice his gf stood behind, quietly and waited for him to finish talking. And the first time after being introduced to him, he text the BF :-

"Wah. hehe."

EH?

Anyway back to my story.

So, here's what I told the BF, "oh you have not met this friend of mine. How would he know that I have a bf?"

So the BF nods.

End of story.

Actually no, I continue with my story of why nobody actually knows I have a BF. Firstly because when I was with the ex, he never attended any wedding dinners/birthday parties/law dinners/any get togethers with me. It got to a point that people thought I was play pretending I HAD a boyfriend and that I was actually secretly lesbian. And this continued for 7 years.

So when I introduced the BF to a bunch of lawyers at a BBQ which I once-in-a-blue-moon attended, many were surprised that I was not actually, a closet lesbian.

So yeah, I do not announce to the world that I MISS MY BABY, only because I do not FIND the need to tell the world how much I love him, or how much I adore him. Sure, I post pictures of him and I together but I never caption it with :-

"ME AND MY BABY."

jijik la.

When was the last time you were happy?

2009-06-17T09:56:00.005+08:00

When was the last time you were truly, abundantly, carefree-ly happy?

I was 9 months ago and I still am now.

9 months ago when I embarked on the journey with the BF, many of my friends( close friends/best friends) tried to bring me down. They poked holes in my happiness, they called me names, they labeled me a bad friend they basically put a big fat overwhelming wet blanket over my happiness.
I did not understand the reason behind it. And until today I still do not. How can you call yourself my friend when you envy my happiness?

When two of my close friend revealed over the last few weeks that they had found love, I was happy, no scrap that, I was ecstatic. I felt thrilled that they had found somebody. Never once did I feel left out or abandoned. Never once did I feel a tinge of envy that they were more likely than not be spending more time with this new person than with me.
Never once did I bitch about the fact that they may choose to be with their partners over me.
I just felt happy.

And when over the weekend a friend told me he had broken up with his fiancee of 1 year and girlfriend of 8 years because he had fallen for another, I cheered him on. I cheered him on because I know how it is to be with someone for donkey years and still think "Is this it?"
And to have "what ifs" with people we meet. He said he felt guilty as many friends made sure that he knew how selfish he was for abandoning something he had built for 9 years and decided to pull the plug and plunge his fiancee's life into darkness.
Is he truly selfish?
How is it selfish to think that his ex fiancee deserved to be loved by someone who can love her right? What is the point of staying together out of obligation? His heart will remain with someone else and he would not be able to love her the way she deserves.
And what type of friend would make him feel guilty for pursuing his happiness?
Not me. I am not that kind of friend.

We are all entitled to our own happiness. We should pursue it to the best we can.
At the first few months to my relationship, my mother vehemently objected to it. We argued and did not speak for a few months. But one day she told me :-

"You live your life for yourself. Not for me or your father. You are only answerable to yourself."

And that is how I intend to live my life.

I'm sorry I let you down

2009-06-09T10:06:00.003+08:00

Over the weekend, I found out that I cannot possible have another job other than being a flight attendant, if I date a pilot.

During a break in tennis (also known as me honing my non existent tennis skills) the BF's friend asks :-

"So, how long have you been with company X?"
"Er, I am not in the aviation industry."
"Oh." (I SWEAR I heard a hint of disappointment there.)

After partying on Saturday night (Note to self: When you are way past the legal age to party, it means Saturday nights are better spent sitting at home or catching a movie)

"Are you with company X or with another company?"
"I am not in the aviation industry at all."
"Oh." (Cue hint of disappointment)

Just yesterday, I met some of the BF's brother's friends.

"Where do you stay?"
"Oh, quite far away from here. You?"
"Cheras."
"Wow. That is far."
"But I think from Cheras to the airport its the same distance from where you stay to airport."
"I work in PJ."

*confuzzled (confused+puzzled) look*

"I am not in the airlines.."

ALTOGETHER NOW:-

"OH."(and remember the immense hint of disappointment)

I am sorry, I let all of you down for not being in the airlines.

But I think letting all of them down for not being in the airlines cannot compare to letting the BF's colleague's girlfriend down for being the age that I am.

Chick that I have literally just met for 5 seconds: "HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
"Oh, I am *reveals age*"
"Isn't (insert BF's name) only *reveal age*?"
"Er, yeah?"

And as usual, reeking with sheer disappointment and hampa and duka, comes the:-

"OH."

Seriously.

So, I am not a young flight attendant.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

I blame it on the BF I tell you.

Sheesh.

So, for now and until time immemorial, If anyone asks, I AM A FLIGHT ATTENDANT.

This is a $%*&!@^% Public Service Announcement

2009-06-05T11:01:00.003+08:00

"Hey, are you free to talk?"
"Yeah sure I have some time.What is up?"
"Nothing la. I just want to talk to someone, but I do not know what to talk about."

*_*

Firstly, let it be known that I HATE/ABHOR/DISLIKE/FIERCELY OBJECT/BENCI TANG TERAMAT SANGAT talking on the phone when, you call me :-

a) and narrate your train of thought;
b) mumble to yourself;
c) ask me the same bloody questions over and over again;
d) tell me irrelevant things like why you cannot go past the toll at 4.45pm, but 5pm is ok;
e) ask me for a favour, then retract the request, then change your mind, then ask again and then retract...;
f) whine. about the same things you whined about last night, and the night before, and the night before that and last week and the month before; AND
f) just because you are free, and you have nobody else to call.

... seriously.

This privilege of calling me and saying absolutely nothing of importance is reserved for family only. That is because I cannot choose my family. I am stuck with them and hence I love them and hence they have privileges which DO NOT attach to our friendship which does not bind us by blood.

And secondly, if I did not pick up the call the first second and THIRD time, chances are :-
a) I AM BUSY and/or
b) I AM IGNORING YOUR CALLS.

So please, for the sake of humanity, do not call me again. and again.and again.AND AGAIN.

It makes me think that by golly, something must be really wrong!
Only to be proven dead wrong when I call back because you just wanted to ask me something irrelevant like "eh, do you have any movies to recommend ah?"

So, yeah, I get antsy on the phone when you call not because I am impatient, but because YOU'RE SO BLOODY ANNOYING.